Running away

Dearest diary,
today is my first trip to sentosa . yah i knw , like wth ryte ? 17 yrs old then get to go sentosa . hahah ! bt i had fun , especially when the one who brought me there was boyfriend . :D well yeah , i & boyfriend are okay ald . lyke AT LAST . -_____- let the pichas do the talking okay ? (:

the last pic was the best time at sentosa . the skyride and the luge . okay sorry for the sucky picha cos i dun haf a scanner so i took tht using my own cam frm the pic . aft sentosa , boyfriend came to lepaaak at my crib .

thnks for everything today boyfriend . i love you .

Dearest diary,
ntg much happen today except tht , i got my customised stickers for me n boyfriend's helmets ald ! YAY !!

& i can't wait to show this to boyfriend ! :D

Dearest diary,
the relationship between boyfriend & me are getting more shaky as the days goes by . none of us knws wht to do or say . i really miss the old us , just like in the pic up there , where we'll be there for each other no matter wht happens . i dun even knw whether i shud call my his girlfriend now anot . 19 , our all-time favourite number . the day tht we day ferst met . sometimes i wish i had nvr known him . maybe GOD let us met too early ? or is this just a test ?

from the start , i had promised myself to respect and agree with any decision made by him . the the final decision was made . very heart-wrenching . well , he wants us to remain as "in between" or so-called "TTM" (teman tapi mesra) . bt he says tht he'll come bck after his NS . i wanna be with him through his everyday life . bt nw i can't .

i bought this for him in glossy red & glossy blue , since blue is his favourite colour . (: i think this is the perfect gift for him before he go for NS . at least , this will remind him of me , ryte ?well , read the description in the pic urself okay . thnks .

okay fine . enough of emoshits . im through & done with .
let's just see hw you'd do without me .

lastly , i hope this quote will help me through the next 2 years . i knw im a strong girl . im sure i can get through this . i hope .. haiz .. ):

"Love has its ups and downs, its twists and turns. Love leaves you pain, teaches you until you learn and even if love takes so long, it always takes you to where you belong."

Dearest diary,
i just finished uploading the pichas tht i took with Teha tht tyme okay . so here it is ..

and i went to jemputan today . it's Cik Esa's 37th annversary with her hubby and they celebrated as if they just married . with the kompangs and everything . whoa ! i ask mama n papa whether they want also anot , bt they say they tak sanggup bcos it will be very hot . hahah !

in the middle , my batt low . ))):
potong stim sia . hahah ! :D

Dearest diary,
i would like to wish HAPPY LEGALLY 21ST BIRTHDAY , ABG AWAN !! (translation: brotherr cloud)

tht's his pic like YEARS ago , time maseh adek2 lagi lah kan .. he's all grown up & much more sachok nw . hahah ! bt too bad girls , he's taken . and it's nt by me btw . LOL . actually , i haven't seen his gf yet bt who cares ryte ? -_______-

& i miss boyfriend truckloads now . ):

Dearest diary,
first and foremost, HAPPY 1YR7MTHS ANNIVERSARY, BBYLOVE !!

went out with boyfriend today . went to JE to to meet him . then bcos dummyass me forget to bring my birth cert , must patah balek to wlds. hahah ! kesian sygku .. after tht, took taxi to lavender to make my IC . $100 burnt sia ! then went to buy helmet . got a Mphizz black helmet . altogether $110 . okay lah actually . worth though . (:

aft tht , went to bugis . ordered customised stickers . boyfriend's was silver & mine is of course , pink ! the sticker had our names . (: aft tht , home sweet home .

boyfriend and i has confess everything . he made m realised wht a JERK i am . i've been burdening his life all the while . maybe all tht he said was true . maybe im being too clingy . bt thts bcos i always wanna be near him . he just don't deserve a girl like me . really . bt im still wondering why does he still wanna cling on me , even when knwing my attitude sucks like this ? im the worst girl ever .

he said he'll tell me his decision tomorrow nyte . i'll nt beg/plead/pardon him anymore . the choice is his to make . i hope he'll bring good news ...

a week more to the end of the holidays , and prelims arnd the corner . i've yet to mug and revise . haiz.. ):

Dearest diary,
im so fucked up . y is it so difficult for him to understand hw i feel ?! y must he still be ego ?! just STOP IT for goodness sake ! please lah .. you're really getting on my nerves , im telling u . y can't we just be as usual ? y wudn't u say tht u miss n love me ? WHY ?!!!

ohh please don't leave me hanging like this . cos from wht i see nw , i guess ur feelings has faded . you cn live ur own life w/o me anymore ryte ?! you're ald bored of me ryte ?! JUST TELL ME OFF LAH PLS ! u're just making me confused ! the way u talk was as if we're okay . bt then when i say tht imy or ily , u get pissed off . Y ?! dun you love me anymore ? don't you miss me anymore ?! or did you forget WHO I AM to you ?! im no more special to you ryte ?! im just NOT ur type anymore ryte ?! if yes , then TELL ME ! pls ... u're making me sick . really . if this was meant to be a test from you , im give up . i dun wanna play ur game anymore . geddit ?!

so cn u be ur fcuking self back again ?! please ?! or do i have to beg u ? do i hafta kneel down to u ? at least tell me if im still yours , cos yes , I DON'T KNW . pleaseeeeee lah eyh . enough of ur pretendences . pleaseeee !

if i ain't for you , just let me go . i dun wanna waste my time anymore .

Dearest diary,
i spent almost the whole day at kak Lin's crib . had lunch and dinner there . played this puzzle game till i got addicted to it . played Boggle and chapcilichapcilichapchapchap . hahah ! quite fun . it got my mind off boyfriend for awhile . but when i got back home , i started to be as usual , missing him like hell and my itchy hands wanting to dial his no . i realised i've been so sensitive since the timeout . i can't see couples having fun or listen to our love songs and stuffs , or i'll start crying . i really can't . i can't even eat food and go to places tht reminded me of him .

he's really changed . he's nt the i'll be there for you kinda guy anymore . the guy whom i thought will lend me a listening ear , the one who will prioritise me ferst before his friends , someone whom i i thoguht i was w\his everything . guess all tht lasted only for awhile . we're nt the same the same like last tyme , and i dun think we're ever goona be tht way again . all i ask for is just his attention , nt more than tht . he doesn't haf the time for me anymore . and look ! he doesn't even make an effort to call or msg me or stg to knw my whereabouts n well-beings , when last tyme he'll call me every hour aking where i am n wht im doing , whether i've eaten anot , whether im going out anot . all the question which shows he care alot abt me . bt nw ? NONE . Z-E-R-O- !

Girlfriend called and told me she tried to get thru me tht afternoon and didn't managed to . so , she asked boyfriend where i am . she said boyfriend sounds angry . he even told her tht he has nt contacted me for a long time . padahal , 1 day only . then she asked me to call boyfriend to aplogise to him and stuffs . bt if i were to do tht , he'll get even mad with his mood like this . i knw him too well . it's really nt the time . bt since i too cnnt bear hw much i missed him , i tried to call .

me: hey .. uhm .. u busy ..?
boyfriend: ngah dota .. y ? (still have tht angry voice)
me: ouh .. nvm lah then ..
boyfriend: k bye . (put dwn the phone)

see ! told ya it's nt the time . so maybe , i shudn't disturb him just yet . maybe wait for another week ? well .. i'll try .. bt really , i hope we can celebrate our 1yr7mths anni this coming 19th . i am looking forward to it bt , nt really putting high hopes tht it'll happen . bt on my part , i haf planned many thgs for him ald . i intend to use my savings for tht day . bt , idk wht to buy for him . any idea anyone ? if there is , leave ur suggestion on my tagboard aites ! (:

i just hope he'll be back to himself by then .. ):

Dearest diary,
it's the first day of the timeout & he hasn't called or msged yet . no , im nt expecting any calls or msges , bt i just wanna knw his whereabouts and whtever he's doing bcos i still care , eventhough i was the one who asked for the timeout .

10th July , he's ald going for NS . there's so little time left tht i can spend w him . plus , im having tight curfews and stuffs , how is it possible to meet him ? at least , appreciate lah tht we still can talk on the phone . bt he still insists to meet . bt how am i suppose to ?! if given a choice , don't you think i wanna go out with you everyday ?! all this while i lied here and there just to get to meet you , get bck home and get caning and beatings and stuffs , until im being forced to leave the house and all , can't you just appreciate ?! no , im nt trying to ungkit bt thts pure FACT ! i want to spend your days with you before you go for NS , but not this way ! and now , you leave me alone in boredom and you still have the guts to tell me you dun wanna be like me ?! wtf ! is tht wht you call "going through thick & thin together" ?!

at first , i thought i was ego . i hated myself for it . not knwing tht you are more ego ! u care all about yourself , nt even wanting to spend ur time when i am bored , when i feel lonely . u only get to me when you're bored , when you haf ntg to do . wht do you take me for ? ur standby entertainer when boredom strikes ?!

i hope , in this timeout , you're gonna think it through . if you still think you're ryte , i really dunno wht to say ald . bt if im really being a "pagar" in ur life , if im such a burden or a nuisance in ur life , just let me go . cos i can't take it anymore and i dun wanna burden anyone's life anymore . my life sucks , i knw .

the conclusion is yours to make.

Dearest diary,
the day started off well when girlfriend was with me the whole day at my crib . we went shopping together & then lepaak at my house from morning till noon . she was there to accompany me while boyfriend is working . she knws im feeling lonely , maybe ? well , im glad she's there for me though .

after much waiting , still waiting for boyfriend to call me . he finishes work at 7 . so , he shud be changed by 7.15 & shud be home by 8 . so this stupid me waited till 8 and called , and guess wht ? he's at Far East Plaza eating with his friend's girlfriend . i mean , i can't probably be angry cos they're workmates . so maybe they're just eating there and go home , i thought . well , didn't knw tht i was wrong when she forced him to send her home n stuffs . at last , ended at JE interchange . then boyfriend lepaak and then went home .

when he got home , he was talking to me . i didn't realise tht i was talking to him angrily cos my intention wasn't to show . a few minutes after , tht girl called him and keep bugging him to find her boyfriend who is so rimas of her . i mean , who wudn't be ryte ?!!

look . i dun mind she asking boyfriend for help . but please lah , he needs time for me too ! enough of going out to eat with you , send you home and back again , entertaining u otp talking abt nth bt ur bloody boyfriend !

i scolded boyfriend asking him why he shud be so kepo in their relationship . i mean , i knw both of them are his friends , bt at least limit uhs ! passing mesaages for them is ald good enuf . no need lah until must send her home and back again , make her boyfriend feel wrong , make ME & HIM FIGHT ! i mean, nonsence sia . can't they solve themselves or wht ? so wht if they're in probs ? when i and boyfriend are in probs , nobody was there to help except ourselves ! urghh !

and at last , i asked for a timeout . and no , the reason is nt only bcos osf this , bt also bcos of so many other stuffs i dun wish to tell . but wht i cn say , i really cannot take it anymore . he even said im being a pagar in hys life . so ok .. i am ryte ? i'll just leave him alone with his life without anyone PAGAR-ING his life . maybe his life is better off without me ? idk lah.

so fucked up ryte nw .

Dearest diary,
i get to meet girlfriend today ! yayy ! *jumpsup&down* she accompanied me to report the loss of my IC . yknw .. im a careless girl .. lol . we were supposed to meet at the busstop near An-nur mosque bt coincidentally , we met in the bus itself ! hahah ! cool or wht ryte ?! i knw i knw . :P while waitint for the bus , i sempat take a pic . LOL !

we dropped off at the busstop aft the kastam and then walked slowly to the police post . reached there then the police say now no need to report to the police , can go straight to ICA & make a new one . kiwaaaaak ! uat penat je gi sane sey ! then at last , it's nt me who make a report , it's girlfriend instead bcos of some stuff only-i-and-girlfriend-knw-and-you-dun-need-to-know . otw to busstop , we took a pic .. After tht , we ate ice-cream ! i blanje .. hahah ! even tht pon , sempat take pic again .. hahah !

had a great day with her . yknw , we're always there for each other . we're total bitches when we together . lesbian also can say lah , but not tht teruk lah .. hahah ! mom loves her . boyfriend can get along well with her . simply said , she gets along well with me & everyone around me . i just love it . we talked everynyte about guys . ALOT , i tell you! hahah ! bitch ryte ?! we're like best friends since FOREVER . lol . i love you , girlfriend ! [: muackz !

Dearest diary,
i woke up in the early in the morning feeling so excited cos u knw y ?! im going to SP !!! my future poly larh sey !! [: mama sent me to school by car . met Nana & Ida at the canteen . followed by Zully at the toilet . lol . i knw . me and ma frens can meet almost everywhere arnd the school area. obviously , tht shows my school is quite small . just like the students . haha ! bt seriously sia , if u were to come to my school , u'll realise hw "tall" the kids are in lower sec . lol . really really .

Syahidah was sitting beside me in the bus . we've nt much to talk abt so we listened to her mp3 player . -____- reached there and my heart missed a beat . the mrt station was linkd to SP ! hw cool ryte ?!

then we got in and met this one actress in SURIA . his name was Zureen . i think he's tht cute guy who acted in K14 when he was still little . he looked diff in person though . lol . next stop , a cheerleading team . they keep repeating the same moves and stunts again & again until we got bored . -____- then we filled up this one SPbuddy thingy . we hafta write a short message about our BFF . kinda lame bt still , i do it though . im a lame too ? hahah !

the hose was this hothotheat guy . i think u wud've knwn him . he's Randell . idk if thts the correct spelling bt who cares . hahah ! and THIS is hym !!!

can recognise hym nw ? hahah ! hot ryte ?! and i get to snap a pic with hym ! bt nt using my cam .. the one who took our pic was this one photographer from Sp itself .. so , we'll hafta wait till they pass it to me then .. :( and i got an autograph form him too !!

bt anw , mass comm was FUN laa !!! the first activity , i became a radio DJ ! me n Zully are partners and we recorded together . gerek giler !! we even get a burned cd of our recorded voice ! [:

next , is the TV production . i get to become the diretor . fun bt stressful at the same tyme cos u hafta control the whole show . but a GREAT experience indeed ! after tht , is the advertising section . nt much tht we did in tht section .

then performance by this cute guy . many of u wud've knwn him . he's SHEIK HAIKEL !! one big , cutecutestuff guy !! and THIS is hym !! and followed by some other hiphop performances ..

waited for mama to fetch me and off to ayer rajah foodplace . ate rojak india there and then went home . talked to baby for awhile , then off to bed . very tired yknw ! pheww !

Dearest Diary,
today's my O level MT paper . some parts were sucky . i dun think i'll be getting an A1 . i think i'll be taking the second one . called adeq just nw and she too agreed tht the paper was quite tough . bt wth , whts done is done ryte ? no use blabberring abt it anw ..

i went thru the Kamus Dewan just nw and saw this word called CINABENG . it means celaka or sial . idk hw to translate to eng laa . hahah ! okay random . (:

Boyfriend called just nw . like FINALLY , after spending the whole day soccer-ing at kallang till late nyte ytd. and today, he lied to his mom saying tht he's working . wth . plus , wht makes me more tensionized was he didn't charged his hp and nw , his batt is empty ! which also means , i can't contact him today . even if i did , he wud be borrowing his wandi's hp . wth siak . damn fcuk up shiolls . urghh !!

& nw , nobody's home . HOME ALONE .
wht a mundane life ryte ? i knw i knw . -__________-