Saturday, February 28, 2009
(warning! long post ahead..!)Dear diary ,
okay i knw it's been quite a long time since i updated this kinda 'dead' blog of mine . i've been quite busy with family , studies , friendships , and my so-called ' relationship ' . well , so far life has been okay lahs for a heartbroken girl like me . just some holes and traps , here and there . my life's such a bitch . and i hate it . yes , i hate this life , especially the person living it . it's me of course , duh ?
now , im absofuckinglutely sick . tired . confused . like for real . i've tried my best already . i've done whtever i could . but , it was all unworthy. or maybe , i put too high hopes on him ? i don't knw .
people kept asking me to stop clinging hopes on him . yet , i find it kinda true . coz everytime i get my hopes high , i'll get a tight slapback when it falls . but how could i? but really , sometimes i feel like moving on and act as if he's never been in my life before. seriously. or maybe , i really should move on . i'll move on with everything , but except that i just leave my heart for him in case he's really coming back , can? well , a try doesn't kill ryte ? well , i've always been pessimistic . maybe its time to look on the bright side of life eh .
as for now, i wanna studystudystudy . pass my O's and then , NP here i comeeeee !! hmm , i've thought about the course i wanna take . since i wanna be in something that's media-cally active , i've decided to take MASS COMMUNICATION . but eng must be from 1-3 !!! nvm , must be confident ryte ? haha !
after O's , i wanna work in something that requires me to go home in the next morning or something . like gerek or wht ryte ?! PLUS , i can join back my malay dance girls for tons and tons of performances , even overseas ! i've signed the contract already btw ! PLUS , i wanna doll myself up . go for facial, SPA PERM , and anything to groom myself so tht i'll look on my best , BUT STILL , dyeing my hair is a BIG NO ! and then im gonna come home lateeee at nyte , lepak everyday !! whoa , i really cannot imagine life after O's . i'll make sure nobody , and i mean NOBODY , can stop me from doing so . but of course , i still have my limits though . duh ?
after getting my results , im gonna go to NP for the next stage of life . new , weird , preety , handsome , ugly , or any sort of people im gonna meet . im gonna make sure im gonna wear high-end fashion clothes to school . really . and i just hope i won't meet lame and immatured people like the ones in my current sucky class 5S1 nw . -__________-
reached 18 , im gonna take driving license . gotta do wht i gotta do. alone or with someone special , anything will do laa . drive girls' night out to clubbing or something with my poly girlfriends ? or even boy friends ? omgomgomg i can't waaaaaiitt !!
so far , thts the plan i planned and i'll stick with tht . all i knw , im gonna enjoy life to the core . im not gonna entertain any kind of shits like 'relationships' or so-called 'love' . it sucks y'knw . really .
so yeah , wish me luck for the upcoming years yeah . all i knw is , im gonna haf a great life . i'll make sure i do. and NOBODY can do anything to change my mind , including you , Khairin .
Thursday, February 19, 2009
We were just friends at the start,Always having fun, never apart
Then one day, something sparked
The next thing I knew, you had my heart.
The days flew by,
I lost track of time
Everytime I was with you,
I was on cloud nine.
Then one day, you asked me to be your girlfriend
I exclaimed, yes! and prayed we'd last until the very end.
No one could look into my eyes and say I wasn't happy,
Happy that I was with you, and you were with me.
With me in your arms, you told me you loved me,
Then gently kissed my forehead and gave me a squeeze.
I was convinced you were the one for me,
Apart from you, I would never be.
Just when I thought all was well,
Was when you began to put me through hell.
You said, we should just be friends
That's when I knew it was the end.
I looked into your eyes, trying to find out why,
It was all I could do, not to begin to cry.
Where I once saw love, I saw nothing,
I couldn't believe you no longer felt something.
I lay in bed, counting my tears,
Each representing what I'd hoped would be years.
Years of happiness, for us to be together,
A long-lived life, forever and ever.
But in my heart, I know this will never be,
For in yours, no longer is there a place for me.
I gave you my all; I gave you my heart,
Little did I know that you'd tear it apart.
Everyday I place a smile on my face,
As for tears, there is not a trace.
You ripped me apart, but yet it's true,
Forever and always, I'll still love you.
Then one day, something sparked
The next thing I knew, you had my heart.
The days flew by,
I lost track of time
Everytime I was with you,
I was on cloud nine.
Then one day, you asked me to be your girlfriend
I exclaimed, yes! and prayed we'd last until the very end.
No one could look into my eyes and say I wasn't happy,
Happy that I was with you, and you were with me.
With me in your arms, you told me you loved me,
Then gently kissed my forehead and gave me a squeeze.
I was convinced you were the one for me,
Apart from you, I would never be.
Just when I thought all was well,
Was when you began to put me through hell.
You said, we should just be friends
That's when I knew it was the end.
I looked into your eyes, trying to find out why,
It was all I could do, not to begin to cry.
Where I once saw love, I saw nothing,
I couldn't believe you no longer felt something.
I lay in bed, counting my tears,
Each representing what I'd hoped would be years.
Years of happiness, for us to be together,
A long-lived life, forever and ever.
But in my heart, I know this will never be,
For in yours, no longer is there a place for me.
I gave you my all; I gave you my heart,
Little did I know that you'd tear it apart.
Everyday I place a smile on my face,
As for tears, there is not a trace.
You ripped me apart, but yet it's true,
Forever and always, I'll still love you.
Happy 1 year 3 months baby..
i love you..
i love you..
Friday, February 6, 2009
Dear diary,it's 11.50 nw and my eyes just wudn't wanna close. i need someone to talk to. if only he was still here, i would have a shoulder to run to and cry on now. but unfortunately, he's nt. :(
Its been a day i didn't contact him. but well, i can't probably blame him cos it was MY decision nt to contact each other. i just hope he understands wht im doing this for. i dun want him to misunderstood the whole thing and think tht i wanna avoid him. NO. but somehw, it's been just a day and i've been insanely desperate for his voice already. but no, i can't, even hw much i craved for him. i hafta start forcing myself already. this itchy eyes and hands of mine has been eyeing on the fone the whole day!
however, thinking abt the many, many things tht we've gone through, in both happy and sad times in just 1 yr 2 mths makes me miss him even more. plus, valentines and our 1 yr 3rd mths anniversary is coming soon. the question now is...
Will he be back in time?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Dear diary,idk hw or wht im feeling ryte nw. it's so confusing. idk wht else i shud say or do. every memories abt us just kept on haunting my mind. sometimes i wished i had nvr known or met him, turn back time and just be friends with him. sometimes i feel like i've wasted 1 yr of my life being with him . sometimes i feel like blaming myself for everything tht has happened. sometimes i feel tht i've made the biggest mistake of my life for loving him too much.
My hopes are getting thinner day by day. im almost out of hope already. idk why he can see and pitied other people's sorrow but nt mine? oh well, wht does he cares abt my sorrow anyway when they are caused by him?!
As for now, im thinking abt contacting him less often until the day he comes bck. i've realised wht a fool i was waiting for something tht i knw will come only in few months or years time?.. i love him more than anything else. i loved him too much tht i can't even believe tht we are actually nt together now. i've realised tht the more i love him, the more i expect him to be bck fast, the more he gets further away.
so maybe, i too shud take time off from him. i shud let him be whtever he wants to be. even when he says he's sad, i noe he's nt. i can see tht he's like enjoying this breakup for a simple reason, he got his freedom. well, tht was wht he wanted ryte? But i just hope one day he will realise hw important i am to him.
But unfortunately, tht will be the day when i dun believe in love anymore. im sorry.
