FaDaa

2011-01-02T21:48:00.000-08:00

The beginning of the day was refreshing after a long bath with my strawberry bubbles and BVLGARI shampoo and conditioner. i feel much alive and energetic. i cleaned my bed, my wardrobe & my room. everything seems so perfect while waiting for boyfriend to wake up.

But the rest of the day since evening, sucks like fcuk ! everything seemed sucks. mama n papa sucks. boyfriend sucks. i suck.

Went to town to get a peace of mind, but it didn't work out. i was tempted to keep kolling him and shout at him the best i could. But like i knew, sarcasm was my best point. it didnt get any better though. i became more depressed. i didnt know what else to do.

No mood. went back home as Haziq was waiting for me at MSN. called boyfriend in the bus, informing him. he was kinda jealous. now i think i made thgs worst by telling him, but i didnt wanna hide at the same time. Went out of the bus and still talking to him. he talks about spending money on me everytime we met, cos we meet almost everyday these days. main point was i am broke now and he lended me almost $500 for my TP. and plus when we go out, money spent on food and all, on me..

He said he didnt mean to bring it up, bt he actually did. Im very taken back by what he said. really. im really working very hard to pay him back, i really did. thts one of the reason i took two jobs. i plan to work everyday, so atleast by end of the month, hopefully i cn get the $600 for him. Its like ive really troubled him too much. ive relied on him too much.

At the same time, i really think that he doesn't know how to take care of my heart anymore.

Im really depressed. i dont wanna talk to him. ive been holding back my tears too much since i went out just now. nw its time i let it out.

leave me alone.

2011-01-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

I dont know why, i just feel like starting to blog again since i last stopped ages ago. my feelings tells me that i can foresee a brighter and more colourful life this New year 2011. (:

hmm, Bby went out to countdown last night at RUPEE ROOM. well, i actually find myself very, and i mean VERY daring to let him go to the club without me. but like everyone says, its all about trust. Ive been with him for 3 years plus, yet he nvr cheated on me. so i also think tht there's no reason i shud nt trust him cos he deserves it. (:

Well, of cos i was worried of what MIGHT happen.. I mean, in life, and even in relatnshps, expect the unexpected. Jealous was another thing, cos he went without me, but i cant blame him. The whole blame is on me. really. maybe i shall talk about why i didnt follow him some other time okae?

But on the good side, i was happy to see him happy and enjoying himself. i made him a proud guy bcos he has an awesome girlfriend who lets him enjoy and give him space. and seeing him happy, it really made me smile. i made my Bby smile on the first day of 2011 (: a very good start indeed.

Oh yes, nt forgetting someone who troubles him family ytdy bcos she was drunk. i mean, if you wanna spoil urself and find it cool, go n die and dnt trouble others lah. and like what kak Ain said, what a way to start new year. what the hell.

As for today, the whole day was spent at work.

12 to 5 at popeyes. Work was fun with Riz, Yoyo & Theba. one of the best working days.

6 to 9 at Etude House. It was nt as bad as what i expected. but i stil think the people there are quite arrogant except for this newcomer which happen to be my schmate at TP. lol. but i dnt her lah. but maybe im in a new working environment, thts why i feel tht way. i think ill get used to it though. (: but BEST of all, both work DOUBLE PAY ! 1 hour $9. so tht means today i earned $72 altogether in just 1 day ! wee !~

Waiting for Bby to get home frm BBQ frm his aunts house. tmw no plan sia.. but maybe celebrating belated countdown since i didnt go ytdy. see hw lah. Hehe :P

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

FINALLY get to meet my PSDarlings ! so HAPPY ! :D

thts all for today . tmw meeting them again. wee !~

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-15T22:42:00.000-07:00

The whole of today has been spent at RP, im choreographing the song "cinta lebaran" for my dearest PSDarlings . Well, i had quite a hard tyme choreographing as even SNT is dancing tht song, and ive seen it before . and hafta make sure the steps are nt "copied" . But so far, i aldy choreographed almost half the song aldy, which is good . and i love the steps ! :D

We searched for dancers for last min shows, and also planned alot of things for PSD, like training dates and everything with my PSD tweenie, Yana . :D Hope you girls would love it and i miss all of you ! can't wait to meet all of you TMW ! muahh !

XOXO,

Fadaarling

2010-09-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Its been quite sometime that ive perform malay dance on stage, and today ive did it with my SNT girls ! well, it started off as a bad day; my hp batt gone flat, got a scolding frm Boyf for nt checking time on the first bus/train, i missed a bus, missed train, took the wrong LRT 3 TIMES and even press the wrong floor at sheiqeen's apartment . fucking spoilt my mood . reached sheiqeen's house, get ready face base and hair, then eat .

even more bad luck, we were late for the performance, our performance didn't go as expected . met Boyf there, and he wanted to follow us to Wirda's house cos we need to change, and he got bad mood the day cos bcos of tht he was stuck under a bridge cos it was raining and he gotta stop his bike . hais :( Today TOTALLY sucks, i swear.

Met Kirin at Mac with Boyf, he looks happier, joke ard and stuff, but as expected, he's still nt happy with me . got a big scolding frm him when i got home . :'(

Also went for PSD training, and found out there's so many upcoming performances ! yay !

i miss my PSDarlings so much ! muackz ! and also planning for jln rayaaaaaaaaaaaa !~ and going home from training, i bumped into Abg Syahmi, my abg angkt, in the bus ! whoa loooooooong time nvr see him ,. more handsome nw aldy . haha ! :P

okay, im in a fight with Boyf nw . bt i admit, its my fault for troubling him so much . sometimes, u cant really compare ur hw good ur Boyf is than other's Boyf's, but shud compare the BAD ones too . hais . its my fault overall . so im sorry . shall nt trouble you to come for any performances anymore . shall not, will not.

goodnyte.

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

Family and I didn't went out to raya today . bcos mama & papa were very tired . decided to go waterfront and lepak with whole family there, tht plan also cancelled bcos the weather doesn't look tht good . so at last, as usual, we rot at home . -.-"

But as on the brighter side of life today, i got a new HANDPHONE !! a new NOKIA X6 16GB TOUCHSCREEN phone !!

It was actually supposed to be mama's fone , in which she actually wanted to give to papa . but since papa's contract was gonna finish on this coming August, and mama doesn't know hw to use the fone, so at last i got the fone at 1/4 the price from mama ! which is AWESOME ! :D So whole day played with my new fone, transferring stuffs and all bcos it doesnt haf a memory card, the fone's only has a built-in 16gb memory .

Now waiting for Boyf to reach home from his jalan raya . oh well ~

nytes people, muackz ! :D

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Its 9.40am now, and Bby's still nt bck home yet from his friend's chalet . and his hp off . sigh . wer cud he be nw ?! he called me at 2.30am just nw saying he's going home soon, but till nw no news frm him yet . no msges, no calls . Even his family dunno wer he is nw . hais .

Cud he be lying to me ? that he's nt gonna drink ? bcos he knws he's gonna ride his bike ? or maybe bcos he drank ytdy thts why he didnt wanna ride his bike and come home ? hais . or cud he be mingling with other girls nw ? or did he get drunk and ride his bike and nw he's _______ ? OMG . i cudn't help it anymore . i cant think straight anymore . i trust him but im very doubtful nw tht he hasn't contacted me for more than 6 hours aldy .

sayang, where are you now ? i miss you :'(

2010-09-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

Boyf's has been found ! so the case is, he's baat was low and he overslept at his friend's chalet. -.-"

But i still think thts very irresponsible of him bt its okay, i apologized aldy anw . and promised me nt to get me fucking worried sick again . and i also promised nt to worry and cry as if he's dead the next tyme . lol :P

So it's the 2nd day of Raya . today we wore PINK color . my fav color ! :D went to 4 houses again . ive been loving my makeups these raya , idk why . hahaha xD

here are some of my fav pics for the day.. :D

Will be going out again tomorrow. maybe green color tmw. nw i need to kol Boyf, i missed him so much aldy aftr he went missing for 9 hours just now.. :'(

nytesnytes sweethearts ! muackz !~

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

YAY YAY DAH RAYAAAAAAAAA ! :D

FINALLY, no more sahur and buka ! Nws just FOOD FOOD FOOD !! woohooo !~

But BAD NEWS: I MERDEKA-ed ON MY FIRST DAY OF RAYA AND THT SUCKS ! tht spoilt my mood abit but who cares, its raya ! Kuihs, ketupats & F&N drinks ! fuhh !~ tiring2 day today . when at nenek house, i slept like a pig and didn't eat . LOL :P Collection pon dah dpt bykk ! and waiting for more ! wee !~

One thg i noticed this raya, more people are wearing fake lashes . haha . okay random . but i was one of them also . but i didn't wear today okay . cos no time to siap cos i spent most my makeup time sleeping . haha . and thts bcos i had a late-nyte call with Boyf ytdy till 5am in the morning . wtf ryte ? i knw . muahahahha ! :D

As for Boyf, nw he's at Sri's birthday chalet . trying to understand him fully ryte nw . i can't always be with him . he needs his time for his friends too ryte ? the drinking part, nahh, i trust him . anw, he's gonna ride his bike so i think he's got the brains nt to drink ryte . its actually 1.47AM nw, and im still waiting for him to be home . i just cant sleep when he's nt safely homeyet . *sigh* i hope he's enjoying himself there and knw his limits too . i think he'll be home in the morning . but whatever it is, im still gonna wait . :P

So happy waiting to me and gdnyte to you !~

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

Ive never posted about this before, but im gonna open a makeover company soon . you see, ive been in love with fashion & makeup since young and has always been thinking of doing somethg with wat ive got . So i tot of opening this company . well, this company hasn't got any name yet . bcos it hasn't officially open . it's just a plan btw . and gotta knw tht cuzizn Addah also doing the same thg soon , whoa, has it become a trend or wat ?

As for nw, im just playing ard with colours and brushing up my makeup and hair and creativity skills . im still a beginner anw . so do look out for it yeah ! and do tag me if u have a company name for me . thnks !

Nw conferencing with Shab, her Boyf and me . so kecoooooooh !~ but too bad Boyf has to sleep as he's been very tired after meeting me just nw . oh yes, i forgot tht part . i break fast at his place just nw . ate spaghetti (: okay gotta get back to the conference !~

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

2010-09-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Idk why but suddenly i started to worry abt my studies & future . it's such a super random feeling, yknw . and i cn get really depressed when comes to think of it . i am SO not doing well in my studies, for sure . i mean, when was the last tyme i really paid attention and studied/revised ? my attendance isn't tht good bcos i often came late, i rarely submit my hmwrks, and i failed a few test/quizes .

Last 2 days plus today was my paper and i totally screw it up . i studied at the very last min, and ntg gets into my head . by then, i knw it's too late to even approach anyone for help . im so clueless abt what im doing & im very worried cos i can only do 1/4 of the paper, and most them i left blank !

Maybe im too used to studying last min frm sec sch until nw, thinking i cud get tht kinda luck every tyme . but i was SO wrong . who said poly life wasn't as tough ? i think it's worst than my sec sch days , in terms of studies i mean . if in term of friends, i made many gd frens in poly who always encouraged this lazypig fren of theirs to study but i just wudn't listen . dnt say frens, even Boyf who constantly nags and blabber asking me to study also i didn't wanna follow . what a stubborn bitch i am siaa . and nw, im regretting everythg . bt wats there to be done nw ?

At first, i was too afraid to tell Boyf abt this topic, bcos im afraid he'll blabber more abt what happened than wat i am suppose to do next . But in the end, as usual, he always knws when i am nt okay and he managed to found out himself and i thought wrong abt him, he's been very supportive and positive abt the situation, in which, makes me very touched . despite my stubbornness, he's still there for me and carrying me up when life came crashing on me . i also feel very ashamed towards him . :/

So you see, it so suck to be in a course that u dont wanna be in . seriously, NOTHING interest me at all in this course . i just took this bcos tht was my last resort if i wanna study in poly . and also, just to get a diploma . bt as for nw, im just afraid if i hafta retain or stg . *sigh* but in any cases, ive aldy promised Boyf to study harder and catch up faster no matter what the outcome will be . and i will . for me, Boyf and the diploma . i will . i promise, even i hafta force myself to love somethg i never liked .

2010-09-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

HAPPY LEGAL 18TH BIRTHDAY TO ME ! :D

My birthday this year was a total BLAST ! The night before my bdae was spent with Girlfs Eyka, Saf & Yana tweenie ! it's been a long time since ive celebrated

it at home with mom cooking lots&lotsa foooooooodd ! And on my birthday itself, spent whole day with Boyf ! Hw fun could it be ?! except for the starting wer i fought with Boyf, bt it ended up good at last though . :)

To see how the celebration with Girlf look like, view here !

2 celebrations, so i had two cakes for my bdae ! A fruitcake from Papa & a decorate-it-yourself cake from Boyf ! Wee !~

Thanks to ALL these beautiful people in my life, i celebrated my 18th birthday almost PERFECTLY ! Love you all to bits and pieces !! Muackz !!!

XOXO,

Fadaarling.

If i were to fall..

2010-05-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

Idk whyy i feel lyke blogging todayy after mths of not doing so.. its such a boringg saturday todayy .. SNT's training cancelled bcos of upcoming termtest.. in which, i shud be studying nw and im nt.. -.-" I REALLY MISS BLOGGING! :(

alrytee. just an update of main events tht happened past few mths.. hmm.. *thinking*

Poly life starts ! (19/4)

Alice In Wonderland 3D at Bugis with boyfriend (23/3)

Boyfriend birthday ! (3o/3)

Anugerah Hitz with boyfriend and his family (3/4)

Lil bro's birthday ! (9/4)

PancaSriDarma's performance at Kallang CC(8/5)

Sushi at Ramen Ten(14/5)

tht's wat i can think of so far.. idk wat to do now . haiz.. will be collecting my 88 Matte Palette and DUO Contour Palette at Haogang laterr with lil sis..

okay gotta siap2 nw aldy.

BYEEEEE ! :D

Le Kua Simi

2010-02-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

Eventhough the cold war with boyfriend hasn't end yet, i still managed to cheer myself and make myself happy, get him out of my mind for awhile at the least. wanna know what made my day?

Click here.

L O L !

Sometimes, 1 is better than 2

2010-02-25T23:08:00.000-08:00

BOREDOM. everybody's out and this one lazy pig just wanna sleeeeeep her nap through . wake up, got ntg to do . hais .. boreeeeeeeeeeed sia .

malay dance just nw. learnt new song, make new steps, if u knw the song Joget sayang disayang by Anita Sarawak. the song is just 1/4 done. still haf alot to brush up.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnndd, cold war with boyfriend again. sigh. :(
thts the reason y i said, sometimes 1 is better than 2.

A brand new beginning

2010-02-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

It's gonna be a whole new beginning now. New sch, new friends, new life.
The past is the past, its all gonna change now.
oh yes, and not forgetting, NEW & UPDATED BLOG !

if u noticed, the blog was closed down for a few months. that was bcos some stupid jerks were flooding my tagboard. to all those people, FUCK YOU. (:

i know it has been a loooong time since ive updated this dusty blog of mine. maybe i won't be updating everyday, because boyfriend and I both are having a personal diary, which is a form of a book. so, whatever written in this blog are usually just gonna be the general ones. bt pics and stuffs will be updated though.

as for now, im busy preparing paperwork and stuffs for poly. oh did i tell u i got TP? (:
okay tht's besides the point. -_- check-up already done just now. now just waiting for collection of report from them on monday, and then im done. oh wait, anyone knws about the upcoming laptop fair?
i need a pink laptop . heeeeeeee ~

okay people, do continue visitting and tagging here aye ?
you know i love you ! (:

2009-12-31T13:00:00.000-08:00

okok i knw my blog is currently DEAD .
i promise i'll update more often nxt yr aites !
& oh btw , HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE !!

In advance . -,-

timeless

2009-11-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary ,
i worked at vivo for the first time today & i must say , time flies very fast today . (:
there were like so many customers , and my colleague was a super friendly one . plus , can use hp somemore . hehe . :D

well , i think i've been spending too much time on work . i haf no time for boyfriend or even my sibs when my parents are aldy gone .. hais .. im trying to fit in every little time i can to contact boyfriend , bt he aldy sound me tht i was too busy for him . its been a very , and i mean VERY , loooong time since we last spent the whole day together , even if it's just ONE day only .. he wanted it so much . well , i do too . bt work has been occupying most of my time . moreover im a full-timer . & still under probatn . i can't keep on asking to change my schedule ryte ? wht wud they think of me later on ..? hais .. bt nvm , sat , i go out with boyfriend . monday i off , i guess i'll bring the sibs to VIVO or stg . end of story . i'll haf to talk to the boss again . hais .. hope he doesn't think im so cerewet .. :/

tmw working again . at wisma this time .
haziq will be having lunch with me before work .
but the thg is , im broke . -,-
nvm , he'll supply the ciggs then . haha :D

& i really miss this lady here !!! :'(

"ure just irreplaceable", he said .

2009-11-23T19:19:00.001-08:00

Dearest diary ,
its super-dee-dooper long since ive last updated this blog . this blog is like DEAD already .
so many things happened for the past few weeks , in which most of them are good stuffs .

ferstly , HAPPY 2 YEARS ANNIVERSARY KHAIFARINAA !
& the best part was , he's back ! (((:

secondly , mama & papa has safely reached Mecca for their Haj . (:
hope they can do their ibadah dgn sempurna . amin .

thirdly , ive managed to use the phone line within my budget/aim . (:

fourth , get to watch "christmas carol" with boyfriend . (:

fifth , work has been fun ! (: but tiring though ..

i haf been working my ass off . so tiring nk mampos !
hopefully i can update again tmw .
k bye !

& i miss mama & papa already . :(

I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl .

2009-11-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary ,

went to Kak Lin's house today . the whole time there , we keep playing with each others touchscreen phone . haha . like jakon like tht horr ? LOL .
and Rad plated my hair !

whoa . been soooooo long since i last plated my hair siaa . (:

idk y , suddenly my mind reminisced every single sweet moments i had with him together for the past years .
i miss everythg tht we had .
i miss having someone having to call and ask abt my whereabts n wellbeings .
i miss his hugs and kisses .
i miss those long late-night calls .
i miss those smiles tht make my day .
i miss the laughters and craps we made .
i miss having someone wishing me luck the night of the exams .
i miss someone having to call me whenever he's bored .
most of all , i miss him .
i really do .
But im sorry , i hafta move on . i can't go on living in a world of heartbreaks anymore .
no , i can't .

i just hope he's okay too .
one thing for sure , i still love him & i still promise forever .
time will tell . insya'allah . (:

i wished what we had was real .

cookie monster

2009-11-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary ,

I'VE GOT MY LINE AND MY PINK LG COOKIE PHONE !!
been playing arnd with my new phone the whole day .
im such a happy girl lah ! (((:

i've texted everyone (except for him) my new number .
anyone who haven't get yet or have changed ur no , do pm me or leave ur whtevr-it-is at my tagboard aytes ?

& ohh , 4 more days !!
weeeeeeeee !~

money money money

2009-11-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary ,

the interview today was great . & the best part was , i got the job !
& i got to know tht the shop's name is Daniel Yam , which is singapore's fashion designer !
ever heard of him before ?
and the pay was more than expected ! (:

aft tht , went to meet Mummy and Kirin . went window shopping at ION . went window-shopping . then we spot this cute shoe .

cool and cute ryte ?

then went to Starhub shop . wanted to get my line and the phone . but too bad , i gorfot to bring my ezlink . like fcuk ryte ?!! so fucked up sia . aft tht , no mood to windowshop aldy , then went to northpoint to eat .

waiting for the train , we spot this one girl carrying the same Reebok bag as Kirin . haha ! then she quickly ask me to take the pic from the back . LOL

hahahahaha !!! gi suruh your boyf belikn bag br arhs ! LMAO !

then went to eat KFC at Northpoint . Bought a new fake eyelashes too . tht's for work . hehe .
aft tht , Mummy went home . so left with me and Kirin alone . then still got time , went to wlds cc to visit my PSD girls . also bcos Kirin wanna see me dance . (:

it was such a touching scene . everyone hugged me the moment i opened the door . so touching nk mampos ! i love my PSD girls sooooo much !! danced bck with them . nxt week , can join them officially aldy . cos nxt week Os finish !! can't wait !!

6 more days baby !! wee !~

i want work , i want money , can ?

2009-11-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary,
physics & geog paper sucks a lil' today . nt much confidence .
but its over pon . haish .

went to lib with E'zzati just nw . bought straits time & look for job . called a ladies fashion wear company , and they told me to come for an interview tmw . hopefully i get the job . insya'allah .

still looking forward to the new phone . hopefully i'll get them tmw . (:

but it doesn't mean i don't love you anymore .

2009-11-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary ,

today is a boringg day ! bored giler nk mampos y'knw !
oh well , at least i've got something to tell today . (:

first , all the pics on last sat & sun are ready !
go h ere for birthday + halloween pics .
go h ere for bowling pics .

second , im going to get a lineeeeee nxt week !! haha ! okay .
mummy's gonna get me one . and yknw wht ?

im going to get tht fone !!!!!!! wee !!!~
LG KP 5OO ! HOTPINK somemore !
can't waaaaaaaaaait !!!

but i've made up my mind . im nt gonna tell him abt this . i wanna go on living without him for awhile . i wanna learn how to accept .
so if you want my new number , do ask me yourself aites ?

im a bored-but-happy girl today ! (:

Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.

Bcos life still has to go on .

2009-11-02T20:54:00.000-08:00

Dearest diary ,

31/10
it was Aryan Ritz's birthday . he is 1 yr old aldy . so cute .
they had it at eXplorerkid at dwntwn . the kids dress up for halloween . so cute .
especially the birthday boy , tht lil' bby dressed up as a bee !

can spot tht lil' bee ? cute ryteeeeee ? :D

here's another cute bby .

he's Hazlam . cute lil' bby . (:
and many other kids as well also .

then chalet there also .
there was halloween party and the ghost were scary ! the pics are with Rad .
ngah waiting for her to upload all the pics nie ... infact ALL the pics are with her ..
cepat laa Raaaaad !!

then at night , played bowling . as weird as it seems , it was my ferst time bowling . LOL
ok laa , fun . except i cannt carry the pink ball cos its too heavy for me , then so paiseyh . hahas .
aft tht , sleeeeeep !

01/11
went cycling . no pink bike uhs . =( then terpakse take blue .

rent for 1 hour . fun but so tiring ! cos its been such a long time since i cycled . hahas !
aft tht , went makan with fam & uncle Haris's fam . ate at bedok walk .
sedaaaap ! then went home .

reach home , i rushed for ss . studied like fuck sia . nxt day is exam taw .
DEAD . i told myself .

& at midnight , kirin called and told me Hafiz passed away .
he took overdose of drugs , drank too much and stuffs .
he's just 17 , same as me . bt went too soon .
RIP Hafiz , god bless you . :'(

02/11
ss was quite easy . lucky the one i studied came out . PHEWW !
bt fuck ! i got the point all messed up . haiz ..
nvm , still gt geog . hehe !
& chem was easy ! i likeeeeeeeeeeee !

went to tagged . & someone added me bck agn . it was Nana .
and we haven't been any better . bt who cares .
she wrote in her journal at tagged ..

" kadang2 mCm pelik kejap kate kwn kejap taq..

ade lah sOmeOne nie dd i tink euu knal..prangai sak...ckp byk sendiri mau ingt ah...tyme2 susa carik aku..

bler dah hapi wah sia kanasai campak aku tepi lah sial...

kwn ape sak gytuk mCm..prangai taq perlu.. "

wth ryte ? haiyoo . whtever laa . like i said , nt gg to bother . k bye .
-__________-

Let's pretend like it doesn't hurt .

2009-10-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary ,
as of today , kirin came and accompanied me at my crib . i just need company , bcos i'll think of him when im alone . after tht , met mummy at msl station and print her raya pics . aft tht , go horizon food mall at cwp and ate chicken rice and ice kachang ! :D
& mummy blanja me a new Za foundation . the case PINK colour y'knw !
i likeeeeee !! (((:
so basically , tht was the highlight for the day . LOL !

look at this pic below ...

the whole room pink&purple siaa ! hw i wish my room was liddat !
wooooooo !!!
plus plus plus , theseeeeee ...

best ryteeeeee ? !!!!!!!
okay , random . -_________-
LMAO !

my world came crashing down .

2009-10-29T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
so its true . he really did treat me like a friend .
well , enough of this half-assed rltnshp bcos
im going to move on .

You have your plans , and i have mine .

but one thing for sure ,

i've always thought i was the one , bt i wasn't .

2009-10-28T02:19:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
english and maths are OVER & done with . pheww ! was quite manageable though . except the maths paper 2 , i lose 10 marks bcos i didn't haf the tyme ans the last qn . 'O's somemore y'knw ! ):

oh well , it's over anw ryte ?
now really need to buck up on social studies . such a pain in the butt siaa ! like SS ?!
fyi , i haf NVR passed SS before . how ?!! STRESS SIOL !
3 days left to SS . -,-

okay sidetrack abit , as of today , idk whts wrong with everybody .
the day started off bad when Nana didn't msg me tht she went ti sch ald . finish paper , she walked off also . like wtf siaa . as if im invisible or wht .
so sick of this kinda friends laa okay . menyusahkn je .
aku tkde kwn pon lg cantek ah kn . sial .
aft tht , somemore gt the cheeks to msg me "babe , tmw gg interview anot ?"
wtf .

in addition to tht , im so disappointed with boyfriend . idk y he changed so much .
i feel like he's playing arnd with my feelings . im just so fucked up .
fine ! u want it tht way ryte ?
go on laa . im sick and tired ald laa okay . serious shit .
do whtever u want .
rmbr eyh , this is all ur decision . if it turns out bad otr into ntg at the end , i'll nvr forgive u .
I SWEAR .
boyfriend , in case u're reading this , yes , it's meant for YOU .

im done . ntg else to say except ,
i feel cheated , boyfriend .
yes , i really do . even if u didn't mean it .

so now i knw , u still do .

2009-10-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

okay i knw i haf alot of updating to do . so , beware ! LONG POST AHEAD !

18/10
happy birthday mama !
we went to TKC for dinner . ate steak , and it was damn nice !

19/10
happy 1 yr 11 mths anniversary bbylove !
bt he didn't wished me today .
thnks eyh !

mugging till late night . haiz ..

22/10
it's my 'O' lvl sci pract paper . it was quite easy though . bt there was one part tht shot me dwn ; i got the anion right , bt they ask to name & i gave the symbol ! WTF ! idk whether im still getting marks for tht , bcos i got the ans ryte , it's jst tht i didn't name it . SCREWED .

23/10
still depressed with the mistake yesterday . kirin came to my crib and studied with me , then to banquet , then went home . spent whole day with her was fun ! except for the last part when suddenly both of us had a headache . coincidence ryte ? at the same time pulak tu !

24/10
my house was fully packed . open house laa kan . all thnks to my mom who invited the millions of pple to come today as she didn't let ANYONE come on raya . wth . bcos she wants it all to go on 1 day . -_______-
today's also boyfriend's mom's birthday . they invited me to join them go out bt i can't bcos i haf guest at my house . haiz . if nt i'll ald be in the s'pore flyer agn , and even get to ride on his motor the whole day . :( bt im sooooo glad he asked me out , which proves me wrong .
he IS serious abt me . =D

and today , everyone's out . he came to my house to put songs in his psp . then ride his bike and off to cwp . normally , he won't wanna go there bcos it's boring . bt this time , idk y he wants . he can taaaaalk the whole walk , in which , is good . cos we get to catch up with each other's life . (:
i feel so close to him today . the thing i've been missing so much .
him hugging , kissing & holding my hands auto-ly , makes me feel his again .
and when he sent me back home , and those goodbye kisses , haish ..
i miss boyfriend aldy . :(

your eyes says it all .

2009-10-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary ,
im soooo happy today ! i get to meet boyfriend after a month of nt meeting !
idk y i felt so nervous like hell when i saw hym . feels abit weird at first .
met him in the train . but didn't get to be near him as the train was packed .
when we got off , i ran n hugged him tightly . haix .. rindu taO !

the plan was to watch movie . either "DARAH" or "500 Days of summer" .
since darah is a M18 show , he managed to buy the tickets . and they nvr ask for IC ! haha . baek urhs !
so at last , watched "DARAH" lorrhs !

this movie was a hardcore , i tell you !
very the violent nk mampos y'knw !
heads kena chop off , body cut to half , lips tear , killing here and there ..
so many larhs ! TOTALLY nt for the weak-hearted pple . SERIOUS SHIT !
boyfriend watched until his hands got so cold tht he can't even grab my hands tightly .
kesian bbyku . tsk tsk tsk .

after tht , we walked home . otw , we stopped under this one blk .
well , he was busy calling hys friends abt the nyte lepak-ing . -,-
then he saw my bored face , he gave me a kiss . aww !
spend some time there and then we make our bk home .

he send me until the blk beside mine . i salam hym then he gave me a looooong kiss .
haix .. which shows tht he still loves me .. doesn't it ?

i just enjoyed today .
bt still , i wish i was officially his nw . ='(

Pierced .

2009-10-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
as you can see , i just got my nose pierced ! like AT LAST ! i wanted this from last tyme sia .
happy happy ! :D
was scared to pierce at ferst . took 1/2 an hour just to do one pierce bcos i was scared . Nana was motivating me all the way bt i was still nt convinced . hees .
wasting so much time , the aunty just pulled me and bang ! finish already .
haha ! kekek siak ! didn't hurt as much as i thought . hees . (:

went to civic library to study . straightaway went to toilet to look at my piercing . haha ! so kecoh sia . & so the jakon too . -_- somemore can camwhore at the toilet . haha ! somehw , i think we look more like kakak2 now .

LOL .bt i can't seem to concentrate bcos when i look at the book , i saw stg shiny , the stud ! hahah ! irritating sia .
then at last , cnnt study ald , lepak at cwp until mom called asking me to buy McChicken & shrooms meal for lil' bro . yeah he eats tht much y'knw ! bt nvr n cnnt grow fat one . like me . (:

aft tht went under Nana's blk to put on the transparent earstick if nt i'll be slaughtered by mom . hehe . blood byk oi ! scary sia .

the whole day i kept changing studs and earsticks bcos the diameter of the stud is bigger than the earstick . i dun wan it to close up , thts why .

i told boyfriend abt it . at fesrt , i thought he was gonna shout or show no interest laa kan . bt then , inversely , he somemore can tell me "U .. kte gy pierce lidah same2 ah ! nk ? "
(translated : u , we go pierce our tongue together want ?)
MAMPOS ! so out of my thoughts sia ! hahahah !
idk y our conversation today was so rancak . like soooo long since we talked like tht . (:

& he asked me out for a movie this sat ! wee ~!

do you still do ?

2009-10-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

idk y i felt like readg the long post posted by boyfriend in this blog the last tyme .
somehw , it was just calling me .
after readg , idk y suddenly i feel so sad . sad tht everythg had to be over . sad tht those are just "used to bes" . sad bcos it nvr gonna be the same again .

& all of a sudden , it makes me miss US . makes me miss hym more than ever .
so i called hym just nw just to hear his voice .

& as usual , he knws there was stg nt ryte . idk hw he knws .
are there some sorta chemistry between us ?
is tht wht they call LOVE ?

and so i texted him wht happened bt there was no replies from hym .
does he doesn't knw wht to reply or just plainly lazy to entertain this matter ?
i wonder wht cud be in his mind at tht moment .
does he feel wht i feel ?

when i told hym im going to sleep , he called saying sorry tht he didn't reply . so i asked , wht was he gonna reply actually then ? bt he said 'nothing ..' . is it really nthg ?

so many question unanswered .
bt if i was given a chance to ask just ONE question ,
it wud be ,
do you still promise forever ?

same shit , different day.

2009-10-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

i've been ton-ing alot nowadays . didn't get enuf sleep . haiz . bt who cares ryte ?
bt it did get boyfriend out of my mind for awhile . if nt , i'll be thinking abt hym non-stop . -_-

Os are getting nearer . fuck .
& mugging has been a routine for me nowadays too , besides ton-ing .

life's been unfair these days .
bt im nt gonna bother .
bleagh .

&& ohhs , "pierce-out" necklace is ready . nice ? :D

& yes , i still care okay . and i still do .
i miss boyfriend so much .

let it be.

2009-10-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
idk whts to become of me n boyfriend . im so confused . im still wondering why i want him so much , why i need him so much . why can't i just get over & done with him ?
cos the truth is , i really love him too much .

oh well . another timeout ? well , im nt suprised .
same shit , different day .
im so pissed off . idk wht to do . idk idk idk !
it's like a cycle , y'knw .
& im so getting use to it .

was it me or was it you ? or maybe , was it US ?
stop making me like this , can ? bcos it's fucking hurting .
since im with you , waiting has always been my job . yeah u wud be saying didn't asked me to .
bt why do u think i did ?

SERIOUS SHIT , it's all up to YOU .
i'll just pretend not to bother .
i'll just pretend i dun care .
i'll just pretend i don't miss you .
i'll just pretend i dont love you .
why ? simple.
bcos i bet no other girls will love you as much as i do .

K BYE .

SHR

2009-09-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

first and foremost, even though it was supposed to be ytd , i wanna say
HAPPY 1YR 10MTHS ANNIVERSARY BBYLOVE !

I love you so much , i swear .
muackzzz !!

and so today's the first day of SHR . i wanna wish all muslims SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI , MOHON MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN ! Actually, i wasn't really in the mood bcos i kept thinking abt Os . shit ryte ? i just can't switch my "mind mode" larhs . haix ..

whtever it is , it turns out fine , just like the previous ones . my makeup's close to perfect , satisfied with my hairdo and everythg . lotsa camwhoring as usual .

too much to be said , i'll just show u the pichas jer lah k ?

go to my fb album to view the photos aye ? (:

goodnyte everyone .

Special Friends

2009-09-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

well , its been quite awhile since i talked abt boyfriend . well , FYI , i & hym are just "special friends" now . im sad , disappointed , worried , glad . sad because this is the 3rd time i lose him , dissappointed bcos its 1yr plus tht we've been together yet probs are still nt settled here & there , worried bcos feelings may change in this process , in which is gonna be long , glad bcos he still dun wanna let me go as nothing . but so far , we haf been okay going through this process . he said we're gg through this together . so together , we'll get stronger together . & today is our 1st month of being special friends .

i met him just nw . he look different after his field training . unexpectedly , he kissed & hugged me once he saw me . you see , he still do loves me . i knw he is . i do too . the day was spent with him . he took me for a ride on his bike aft mths of nt doing so . we were so close today , felt as if it was the first time i met him . haiz .. only god knws hw much ilh . really .

& as usual , camwhored alone in the bus . people were looking at me but wth , i dun care . i was just doing tht out of boredom . nyeahaha !

Wandi & Hairul followed too . & at last , the day was spent at I.R.C @ BT . haha . i played along too . played left4dead , super fun but really memeningkan lah okay ! in between , he kept on kissing me ont he lips and cheeks , as if tellg me tht he missed me so much . hais ..

okay sry if pic's nt clear . it was quite dark in there . hahas ! :D

aft tht , he gave me $20 to take taxi to go granny's house . i was a lil attitude cos i didn't get to spend much time with him despite being with him for 5 damn hours . but it was my fault cos i said no when he asked . hais .. im sry syg .. then , he's off to NS again . -______-

but i still miss him . :(

Continued

2009-09-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

I've got the pichas of ytd from Nana Tetra ald . hahas . & so , as promised , here they are !

yelarh i nvr puase larh ! dah puas ? =P

Seventeen

2009-09-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,

today's 4th september . & it's my birthday !! yayyyyy !! lyke at last , 17 ald . -________- bt this year's birthday isn't tht fun as boyfriend is in NS . *insert sad face* bt nevetheless , he managed to wished me before gg to sleep ytd . so , tts on the brighter note . hees .

the day was spent spent with Nana Tetra . went to JP & lepaaak . camwhorins and then sing2 . hehe . and i got a new name from her . ARY KECHYK . taken from my original name . then kechyk (translated : small ) bcos i am small . -___- & nowadays people keep kollg me " bdk kechyk " . idk y they started tht . bt at least it's better than being kold " ketot " ryte ? hees . aft tht went cwp , met mama at Prima Deli to buy my cake . (((: then went home , and celebrated .

presents for this yr isn't tht fantastic also . bt at least got present dah ckp lah eyhk .. got 50 bucks from my parents , earring from Shabrina e neighbour & 10 bucks frm Nyai . okay laa tu eyk ...

thts all . more pics are at Nana Tetra .

2009-08-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

Somehow, i miss her.. :(

2009-08-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

LEAVE ME ALONE !
ALL OF YOU !!!

friendisaster

2009-07-31T23:39:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
idk where to start .

k , let's just say .... wht kind of a friend am i ?

okay , here's to SITI AISYAH IDRUS ...

i never thought things will turn out this way . well , maybe u're ryte . im having more & more new friends . bt tht doesn't mean tht i've forgotten about you . or maybe i tend to sometimes . but come on , u have ur set of friends too , don't you ? YOU too forget me when u have NEW friends too , don't you ? and nw wht ? u think i only find u when i need u when im in deep shit ? tht i forgot abt us ? tht i don't appreciate u ? tht i took u as a "spare part" ?

wht were u thinking ?! true enough , u've sacrified ur time to be my listening ear .. u've helped me alot when im in deep shits .. u gave me all kinds of advice to make my life better .. you're always there to go thru thick n thin together .. and i want u to knw tht i DO REALLY APPRECIATE THT A LOT bcos THTS WHT FRIENDS DO ! and im sorry that im not a good friend . then y do u think i'll come running to u when i haf probs ? bcos I TRUST YOU n I LOVE YOU . maybe yes , i didn't spend much time with you . i can't always meet you and hangout with you . well YOU shud knw tht i can't go out tht much . even if i did , i wud lie to my parents and stuffs .. and i dun want to lie anymore .

i knw i ignored u for quite a long time . bt then y didn't u approach me ? if you really think that fucking oblivious to the situation here , then y did i ever bother to find out whts wrong from u ? y didn't u tell me when i asked u ? things wud've been so much better if u were to tell me the truth and whts wrong . y didn't you ? u knw tht i felt something was wrong . so am i still being OBLIVIOUS ? n u think i wasn't worried when u did tht ?! u think u're the only one HURT ?! I AM HURT TOO knwing tht my gdfriend wants me PRETEND that she nvr existed in my LIFE . wht do u take me for ? i think it's tht easy to forget abt u when we haf been goodfriends for a looong time , knwing each other so well , been thru everything together .. u think it's easy ? if it is , y dun u do it first ?! let's see hw u can go on w/o me ! ohh wht am i thinking ?! OF COS U CAN ! u haf many friends , and so letting go of one doesn't hurt much ryte ...?

bt i want u to knw tht i still do LOVE YOU & TREASURE U AS MY BESTFRIEND. up to you to decide . i knw im in the wrong , and im sorry . bt i dun wanna lose u , bestfriend . really .

FYI: YOU are my bestest friend . none of my other friends is better than you . nt trying to soothe ur hert bt it's fact . & who says u're nt good enuf ? u're too good to even be my friend .

then maybe u're ryte , i dun deserve a friend like you .

i nvr meant to start a war.

2009-07-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
boyfriend is back ald ! bt im soooo angry with him lah okay ! cos he didn't tell his mom tht he actually came bck today cos at nyte he wanna go "TON" . haiz .. he called me just nw while i was sleeping . i was so happy thinking tht maybe i cud talk to him tonyte or something . i slept thinking that when i woke up , he's ald there beside me . bt then he said he going for this stupid shit . like WTF larh okay ! bt i just kept quiet . if i were to let him go , i knw he wud do all kind of shits like drinking and stufs .. if i were to not let him go , later he say im controlling him lah .. nvr him hym time with his friends lah .. wth lah ! ahh wth . im nt gg to bother !

i better go to bed now before i think even further abt my anger . urgh !
bye and goodnyte .

to boyfriend : thnks for making me wait eyh ! i suke per ! *rolls eyes*

battlefield.

2009-07-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
yeah i knw it's been so long since i updated . blogger SUX laa kan ! haix .. there's sooooooooooooo many things i wanna share . so beware .. SUPERRR LOOOOOONGG POST AHEAD !!!

thursday, i went to orchard with Abidaaaah . went to ION at orchard . windowshopped . so the "SAKET HATI" cos i wasn't having any cash with me at tht moment . i want this , and tht , everything seems so "touchless" . haix .. nvm .. few more months then work ald ryte ? then can buy many !! hahaha !

friday , it was racial harmony day . wore a cheongsam to sch . PINK lahh oi ! (((: camwhore here and there . hahax !

then on sat , boyfriend was back from NS . went to his place . and he was shocked . hees ! well , it ws my plan though . so hard to track where he is y'knw ! hakim was there too . KPO ! hahaha ! then we talk2 , lepak2 then he gotta go home as his fam was waiting for him . so thts all for the day , i went home by bus cos he was too tired to send me by bike . ))):

after tht , went for NDP PREVIEW !!!!! i thought it was gonna be boring going with the sibs bt at last guess who sat beside me there ? my frend , Raudah ! whoa lucky siaaaa !!!!

it's sunday , and im meeting him again ! woke up 6 in the morning to make a cake for him using Betty Crockers chocolate fudge and chocolate frosting .

and so , he came to my house and he enjoyed my nasi goreng (it's his fav ! ) and the cake of cos .. haha . after that , went to his house . went out with his fam to jurong point ! whoa ! like can't believe his dad actually wanna blanja me a levis shirt and jeans ! bt i said i dun wan uhs . like wth ryte . haha ! bt actuallyyyy ....................... *evil smile* after tht , we sent him bck to his camp . haix .. my heart feel so heavy at tht time . feel like stuffing myself inside his bag n follow him go NS ! urghh ! a week more w/o him . haiyoooooooooooo !!! he gave me a kiss , a hug and went off . after tht he msged me saying saying tc and he's gonna miss me AGAIN . and thnks for spending my day with him and his fam . i n his fam can blend well , he said . hehe !

& this is a random picture i took today .

hell yeah ! prelims is overrrrr !!!!!! (((:

VIDEO OF THE YEAR

2009-07-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

Fadaa , Khay , Kim , Bid & Beyonce (:

laugh ur ass off . we knw we're cute & hot & sexy ! (:

i see your face in my dreams.

2009-07-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
the day was spent with Dylah . she came here straight after school . so sweet ryte ? (: taught her how to play the guitar , malay dance , sing at youtube & many more larhs !

&&& Boyfriend called me today after nt calling me yesterday ! yayy ! i was so happy . bt in the end , so much fun with Dylah till i forgot to get bck to him . then he got angry lorr , thinking tht i dun care abt him anymore . haiz . im so sorry syg ! maybe im just getting use to the new environment . :/

oh well , i think he's just too stress & i knw he needs me the most bt i wasn't there . i knw he needs my full attention most ryte now . im really sorry dear . i hope u'll calm down soon k ? i nvr wanna hurt u when u're at NS .

goodnight .
& i miss you . ):

You are not alone.

2009-07-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
today is the first nyte tht he didn't call or msg me . he's prepaid low , i think . i thought i was strong to go through go this . bt nw i realise i still need to hear his voice each day no matter hw short the convo is . i miss boyfriend so much .. ))): bt with my lovely n caring friends around , i think i get through this . insya'allah .. wonderful people in my life like Dylah , Hani , Abidaah & Deniza .

Dylah ; always been there for me . took care of me since boyfriend has been gone . my listening ear . a shoulder to cry on . sanggup come dwn all the way to msl just to make sure i study , as tht was 1 of the promise made to boyfriend .

Hani ; always ask abt my well-beings & whereabouts . my listening ear too . always wanted to hang out but i can't really go out tht much .

Abidaaah ; always accompany me on the fone . always ask me to hang out bt i can't really go out . cheerful girl . a CLUBBER i must say . rock on girl !

Deniza ; my one & only beyonce . (: although i dun really talk much like i do to her bestie , cos she's a busy girl , she has always listened to me when i haf probs . will call me when she nt busy when im lonely . cheerful girl . very funny & random , i must say .

i love you girls sooo much . sunshine of my life . (:

lastly, this song is dedicated to my one and only, Muhammad Khairin Bin Hamzah ..

Loving you forever,
ur hunney,
Fadaarling

i knw the stars are holding u tonight.

2009-07-13T03:19:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
do you realise i've never posted abt boyfriend since he's been gone for NS ? yah i didn't want to . bt eventually , i want to . I , Nur Fadaria Bte Daud , declares that i fucking miss my beloved boyfriend , Muhammad Khairin Bin Hamzah , absofuckinglutely much !!!

it has been 3 days since boyfriend has been gone . i miss him i miss him i miss him!! bt im glad he never fails to msg or call me everynyte no matter hw tired he is . you see , he miss me too ! ryteee ? ))): i miss my late-night calls with him . i miss his hugs , his kiss , his warm embrace , his cute face , his lame jokes . basically , i miss him !

my heart's at ease when he siad he's fine . tht he sometimes "enjoyed" his days there . he said they brainwashed him alot on hw to be a real man . i just hope he comes out being a true man & nt the otak senget him anymore . haha ! kd larh okay ! he said the food there is quite satisfying . chicken everyday . great ryte ? like tht he comes out , he fat sia . haha !

im still wondering hw he looks like nw with his bald head . hahah ! can't wait for boyfriend to book out . i miss him !!!

leisurity.

2009-07-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
at last , Abidaaah the clubber sent me the photos . -____- okay nw i cn post about last sat .

& so, last satuday was spent with the new friend , Abidaaah the clubber , who clubs with songs like "so sick" (LOL !) , at KALLANG leisure park. hahaha. fun indeed. studying & arcade.

true friends come & never go.

& ohh , i just bought a new black with red flowers maxi dress !

i soooooooo can't wait to wear this in front of boyfriend ! (((:

so sick of love songs.

2009-07-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
all of a sudden , i miss national day . LOL . random kan ? i knw . im so fucking bored to death idk wht to do , so decided to update pics on last year's national day out with hakim , wandi , illiyana , boyfriend & his cuzzins . fun sia ! i wish we cn haf tht this yr too ! awww .. i miss them ald .. ):

whoa i really miss those moments with his friends & cuzzins sia . ):

PS: Abidaaaah the clubber !! when sending the photos dengs ?!!

U'll be sorry tht im not ard.

2009-07-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
Dylah came to teman me again today . i feel so much better letting out all my feelings and situations to her . she really cares abt me . when gg home time , she hugged me . & thts superr touching lah okay ! i really feel comfortable talking to her . and so does she . suddenly , i feel so cared , nt tht lonely emoshit fadaa i used to be . at least with her presence arnd , i tend to get boyfriend off my mind for awhile . at least , i wudn't be so stress and fucked up . at least , she makes me feel like he's arnd , cos she somehw looks abit like him . hahah ! bt overall , i love her damn fucking much . she's been there for me when boyfriend was not arnd . sometimes i feel so bad when i talked abt boyfriend too much to her , afraid tht she'll get bored of the topic . bt instead , she was my listening ear . idk wht else to say lah bt MAIN THING , i feel so loved . (Ija, fadaa dah pandai pakai MAIN THING lah oi ! :D)

i loveeeee Dylah so much . (:
thnks for being there, girlfriend . muackz !

(Picture: can see we're wearing tht cherry necklace ? we bought it on our first meeting & declared ourselves GIRLFRIENDS from tht day on ! :D)

But i can't help it.

2009-07-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

okay this is random but ........ I FREAKING MISS MY LONG , REBONDED HAIR !
fuck.

i know you want me.

2009-07-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
'O' level F&N coswork part B planning was done today . & i did crap . lol . went home and then slept until maghrib .. after tht Dylah called saying she's coming to Marsiling to study . she ask me join . then she came my house then we go study at the voiddeck in front of my house . okay fun laa blaja with her . on the music then sing n study n talk n laugh all at the same time . hahah ! thnks to her , like at last i completed my geog hols hmwrk . LOL . thnks eyh Dylah !

After tht , send her to kedai mama blk 154 cos she wanna meet her boyfie . halfway , i went another directn n went home .

2 more days to his NS . wth .
time do flies so fast yeah .

i miss you, fucker!

2009-07-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
it's been 3 days already tht i didn't contact boyfriend . idk why bt i just felt so lonely , so lost , so empty . sometimes i feel so fedup suddenly , sometimes i cry for no reason . bt somehow i feel that this is wht im suppose to do . i can't keep on losing everytime . especially losing him ..

i wonder where he is , whts he doing .. bt most of all , doesn't he miss me ?

3 more days & he's going for NS . if i were still to continue nt contacting him , then when will i see hym again ?

'O' levels MT oral is tmw . wish me good luck yeah ! i've gotta do my best , for my one & only , Khairin ..

i miss boyfriend alot . ):

whatever will be, will be.

2009-07-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i went for Maulidurrasul today . it's Prophet Muhammad's birthday or something like tht . must wear tudung today . hahah ! it's like been years since i last wore it . lol . i knw i look kinda funny , so feel free to comment on it on my tagboard . (:

it was raining heavily and so , i told mama i wanna go home ferst . hahah !
ok thts all . actually , im lazy to update blog sia .
k bye !

How did we.

2009-07-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
was supposed to have studied at Kak Cica's house today bt ended up going out with my cuzzies and my aunty . those who went were Kak Cica , Kak Ella , Sue , Cik Yaya & me , of course ! hahah ! went to simlim . and it's my first tyme again . okay wth ryte ? i knw i knw . took a straight bus there since their house is at henderson . so near to town sia ! good ryte ? whoa my money like wanna sneak out anytime sia . bt due to shortage of money now , terpakselah save .. serious shit sia , im almost broke siol . haiz .. bt at least i had fun though ..

after that , went to grandma's house togetehr back . eat there and then ..
home sweet home ..
goodnyte earthlings ! (:

To boyfriend: i knw i textd u saying i hate you . bt u shud knw better tht i love you more than anything else . i just can't accept the fact tht we're no longer official . im just really disappointed in us . we've gone a long way but we end up here . maybe i'll just leave you by yourself . like you said "eventhough i love you, i can't help thinking 'bout if i'd be better without you" . so lets see how you would do without me . it could be worst , but then again , it could get better . all that i knw , i'll never stop loving you . i still do promise you forever.. i love you , Khairin .. i really do .

seems like it's been forever.

2009-07-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
GAWSHH ! suddenly , i miss going swimming . hw random kn ? hahah ! the last tyme , i went with boyfriend . bt i forgot to upload the pics . so i uploaded it today so tht i won't forget again . first tyme going swimming with boyfriend was AWESOME .

i soooooooooooo love boyfriend vvvvvvvvv much luhhs !
MUACKZ !

first trip to sentosa.

2009-06-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
today is my first trip to sentosa . yah i knw , like wth ryte ? 17 yrs old then get to go sentosa . hahah ! bt i had fun , especially when the one who brought me there was boyfriend . :D well yeah , i & boyfriend are okay ald . lyke AT LAST . -_____- let the pichas do the talking okay ? (:

the last pic was the best time at sentosa . the skyride and the luge . okay sorry for the sucky picha cos i dun haf a scanner so i took tht using my own cam frm the pic . aft sentosa , boyfriend came to lepaaak at my crib .

thnks for everything today boyfriend . i love you .

you know i love you.

2009-06-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
ntg much happen today except tht , i got my customised stickers for me n boyfriend's helmets ald ! YAY !!

& i can't wait to show this to boyfriend ! :D

say it isn't so.

2009-06-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
the relationship between boyfriend & me are getting more shaky as the days goes by . none of us knws wht to do or say . i really miss the old us , just like in the pic up there , where we'll be there for each other no matter wht happens . i dun even knw whether i shud call my his girlfriend now anot . 19 , our all-time favourite number . the day tht we day ferst met . sometimes i wish i had nvr known him . maybe GOD let us met too early ? or is this just a test ?

from the start , i had promised myself to respect and agree with any decision made by him . the the final decision was made . very heart-wrenching . well , he wants us to remain as "in between" or so-called "TTM" (teman tapi mesra) . bt he says tht he'll come bck after his NS . i wanna be with him through his everyday life . bt nw i can't .

i bought this for him in glossy red & glossy blue , since blue is his favourite colour . (: i think this is the perfect gift for him before he go for NS . at least , this will remind him of me , ryte ?well , read the description in the pic urself okay . thnks .

okay fine . enough of emoshits . im through & done with .
let's just see hw you'd do without me .

lastly , i hope this quote will help me through the next 2 years . i knw im a strong girl . im sure i can get through this . i hope .. haiz .. ):

"Love has its ups and downs, its twists and turns. Love leaves you pain, teaches you until you learn and even if love takes so long, it always takes you to where you belong."

tell me it isn't true.

2009-06-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i just finished uploading the pichas tht i took with Teha tht tyme okay . so here it is ..

and i went to jemputan today . it's Cik Esa's 37th annversary with her hubby and they celebrated as if they just married . with the kompangs and everything . whoa ! i ask mama n papa whether they want also anot , bt they say they tak sanggup bcos it will be very hot . hahah !

in the middle , my batt low . ))):
potong stim sia . hahah ! :D

legally 21.

2009-06-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i would like to wish HAPPY LEGALLY 21ST BIRTHDAY , ABG AWAN !! (translation: brotherr cloud)

tht's his pic like YEARS ago , time maseh adek2 lagi lah kan .. he's all grown up & much more sachok nw . hahah ! bt too bad girls , he's taken . and it's nt by me btw . LOL . actually , i haven't seen his gf yet bt who cares ryte ? -_______-

& i miss boyfriend truckloads now . ):

im still yours.

2009-06-19T21:07:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
first and foremost, HAPPY 1YR7MTHS ANNIVERSARY, BBYLOVE !!

went out with boyfriend today . went to JE to to meet him . then bcos dummyass me forget to bring my birth cert , must patah balek to wlds. hahah ! kesian sygku .. after tht, took taxi to lavender to make my IC . $100 burnt sia ! then went to buy helmet . got a Mphizz black helmet . altogether $110 . okay lah actually . worth though . (:

aft tht , went to bugis . ordered customised stickers . boyfriend's was silver & mine is of course , pink ! the sticker had our names . (: aft tht , home sweet home .

boyfriend and i has confess everything . he made m realised wht a JERK i am . i've been burdening his life all the while . maybe all tht he said was true . maybe im being too clingy . bt thts bcos i always wanna be near him . he just don't deserve a girl like me . really . bt im still wondering why does he still wanna cling on me , even when knwing my attitude sucks like this ? im the worst girl ever .

he said he'll tell me his decision tomorrow nyte . i'll nt beg/plead/pardon him anymore . the choice is his to make . i hope he'll bring good news ...

a week more to the end of the holidays , and prelims arnd the corner . i've yet to mug and revise . haiz.. ):

You just don't care anymore.

2009-06-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
im so fucked up . y is it so difficult for him to understand hw i feel ?! y must he still be ego ?! just STOP IT for goodness sake ! please lah .. you're really getting on my nerves , im telling u . y can't we just be as usual ? y wudn't u say tht u miss n love me ? WHY ?!!!

ohh please don't leave me hanging like this . cos from wht i see nw , i guess ur feelings has faded . you cn live ur own life w/o me anymore ryte ?! you're ald bored of me ryte ?! JUST TELL ME OFF LAH PLS ! u're just making me confused ! the way u talk was as if we're okay . bt then when i say tht imy or ily , u get pissed off . Y ?! dun you love me anymore ? don't you miss me anymore ?! or did you forget WHO I AM to you ?! im no more special to you ryte ?! im just NOT ur type anymore ryte ?! if yes , then TELL ME ! pls ... u're making me sick . really . if this was meant to be a test from you , im give up . i dun wanna play ur game anymore . geddit ?!

so cn u be ur fcuking self back again ?! please ?! or do i have to beg u ? do i hafta kneel down to u ? at least tell me if im still yours , cos yes , I DON'T KNW . pleaseeeeee lah eyh . enough of ur pretendences . pleaseeee !

if i ain't for you , just let me go . i dun wanna waste my time anymore .

gotta keep my head held high

2009-06-13T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i spent almost the whole day at kak Lin's crib . had lunch and dinner there . played this puzzle game till i got addicted to it . played Boggle and chapcilichapcilichapchapchap . hahah ! quite fun . it got my mind off boyfriend for awhile . but when i got back home , i started to be as usual , missing him like hell and my itchy hands wanting to dial his no . i realised i've been so sensitive since the timeout . i can't see couples having fun or listen to our love songs and stuffs , or i'll start crying . i really can't . i can't even eat food and go to places tht reminded me of him .

he's really changed . he's nt the i'll be there for you kinda guy anymore . the guy whom i thought will lend me a listening ear , the one who will prioritise me ferst before his friends , someone whom i i thoguht i was w\his everything . guess all tht lasted only for awhile . we're nt the same the same like last tyme , and i dun think we're ever goona be tht way again . all i ask for is just his attention , nt more than tht . he doesn't haf the time for me anymore . and look ! he doesn't even make an effort to call or msg me or stg to knw my whereabouts n well-beings , when last tyme he'll call me every hour aking where i am n wht im doing , whether i've eaten anot , whether im going out anot . all the question which shows he care alot abt me . bt nw ? NONE . Z-E-R-O- !

Girlfriend called and told me she tried to get thru me tht afternoon and didn't managed to . so , she asked boyfriend where i am . she said boyfriend sounds angry . he even told her tht he has nt contacted me for a long time . padahal , 1 day only . then she asked me to call boyfriend to aplogise to him and stuffs . bt if i were to do tht , he'll get even mad with his mood like this . i knw him too well . it's really nt the time . bt since i too cnnt bear hw much i missed him , i tried to call .

me: hey .. uhm .. u busy ..?
boyfriend: ngah dota .. y ? (still have tht angry voice)
me: ouh .. nvm lah then ..
boyfriend: k bye . (put dwn the phone)

see ! told ya it's nt the time . so maybe , i shudn't disturb him just yet . maybe wait for another week ? well .. i'll try .. bt really , i hope we can celebrate our 1yr7mths anni this coming 19th . i am looking forward to it bt , nt really putting high hopes tht it'll happen . bt on my part , i haf planned many thgs for him ald . i intend to use my savings for tht day . bt , idk wht to buy for him . any idea anyone ? if there is , leave ur suggestion on my tagboard aites ! (:

i just hope he'll be back to himself by then .. ):

Burdenised.

2009-06-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
it's the first day of the timeout & he hasn't called or msged yet . no , im nt expecting any calls or msges , bt i just wanna knw his whereabouts and whtever he's doing bcos i still care , eventhough i was the one who asked for the timeout .

10th July , he's ald going for NS . there's so little time left tht i can spend w him . plus , im having tight curfews and stuffs , how is it possible to meet him ? at least , appreciate lah tht we still can talk on the phone . bt he still insists to meet . bt how am i suppose to ?! if given a choice , don't you think i wanna go out with you everyday ?! all this while i lied here and there just to get to meet you , get bck home and get caning and beatings and stuffs , until im being forced to leave the house and all , can't you just appreciate ?! no , im nt trying to ungkit bt thts pure FACT ! i want to spend your days with you before you go for NS , but not this way ! and now , you leave me alone in boredom and you still have the guts to tell me you dun wanna be like me ?! wtf ! is tht wht you call "going through thick & thin together" ?!

at first , i thought i was ego . i hated myself for it . not knwing tht you are more ego ! u care all about yourself , nt even wanting to spend ur time when i am bored , when i feel lonely . u only get to me when you're bored , when you haf ntg to do . wht do you take me for ? ur standby entertainer when boredom strikes ?!

i hope , in this timeout , you're gonna think it through . if you still think you're ryte , i really dunno wht to say ald . bt if im really being a "pagar" in ur life , if im such a burden or a nuisance in ur life , just let me go . cos i can't take it anymore and i dun wanna burden anyone's life anymore . my life sucks , i knw .

the conclusion is yours to make.

Another timeout

2009-06-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
the day started off well when girlfriend was with me the whole day at my crib . we went shopping together & then lepaak at my house from morning till noon . she was there to accompany me while boyfriend is working . she knws im feeling lonely , maybe ? well , im glad she's there for me though .

after much waiting , still waiting for boyfriend to call me . he finishes work at 7 . so , he shud be changed by 7.15 & shud be home by 8 . so this stupid me waited till 8 and called , and guess wht ? he's at Far East Plaza eating with his friend's girlfriend . i mean , i can't probably be angry cos they're workmates . so maybe they're just eating there and go home , i thought . well , didn't knw tht i was wrong when she forced him to send her home n stuffs . at last , ended at JE interchange . then boyfriend lepaak and then went home .

when he got home , he was talking to me . i didn't realise tht i was talking to him angrily cos my intention wasn't to show . a few minutes after , tht girl called him and keep bugging him to find her boyfriend who is so rimas of her . i mean , who wudn't be ryte ?!!

look . i dun mind she asking boyfriend for help . but please lah , he needs time for me too ! enough of going out to eat with you , send you home and back again , entertaining u otp talking abt nth bt ur bloody boyfriend !

i scolded boyfriend asking him why he shud be so kepo in their relationship . i mean , i knw both of them are his friends , bt at least limit uhs ! passing mesaages for them is ald good enuf . no need lah until must send her home and back again , make her boyfriend feel wrong , make ME & HIM FIGHT ! i mean, nonsence sia . can't they solve themselves or wht ? so wht if they're in probs ? when i and boyfriend are in probs , nobody was there to help except ourselves ! urghh !

and at last , i asked for a timeout . and no , the reason is nt only bcos osf this , bt also bcos of so many other stuffs i dun wish to tell . but wht i cn say , i really cannot take it anymore . he even said im being a pagar in hys life . so ok .. i am ryte ? i'll just leave him alone with his life without anyone PAGAR-ING his life . maybe his life is better off without me ? idk lah.

so fucked up ryte nw .

when i needed you most

2009-06-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i get to meet girlfriend today ! yayy ! *jumpsup&down* she accompanied me to report the loss of my IC . yknw .. im a careless girl .. lol . we were supposed to meet at the busstop near An-nur mosque bt coincidentally , we met in the bus itself ! hahah ! cool or wht ryte ?! i knw i knw . :P while waitint for the bus , i sempat take a pic . LOL !

we dropped off at the busstop aft the kastam and then walked slowly to the police post . reached there then the police say now no need to report to the police , can go straight to ICA & make a new one . kiwaaaaak ! uat penat je gi sane sey ! then at last , it's nt me who make a report , it's girlfriend instead bcos of some stuff only-i-and-girlfriend-knw-and-you-dun-need-to-know . otw to busstop , we took a pic .. After tht , we ate ice-cream ! i blanje .. hahah ! even tht pon , sempat take pic again .. hahah !

had a great day with her . yknw , we're always there for each other . we're total bitches when we together . lesbian also can say lah , but not tht teruk lah .. hahah ! mom loves her . boyfriend can get along well with her . simply said , she gets along well with me & everyone around me . i just love it . we talked everynyte about guys . ALOT , i tell you! hahah ! bitch ryte ?! we're like best friends since FOREVER . lol . i love you , girlfriend ! [: muackz !

You knw i loved u before i met u

2009-06-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i woke up in the early in the morning feeling so excited cos u knw y ?! im going to SP !!! my future poly larh sey !! [: mama sent me to school by car . met Nana & Ida at the canteen . followed by Zully at the toilet . lol . i knw . me and ma frens can meet almost everywhere arnd the school area. obviously , tht shows my school is quite small . just like the students . haha ! bt seriously sia , if u were to come to my school , u'll realise hw "tall" the kids are in lower sec . lol . really really .

Syahidah was sitting beside me in the bus . we've nt much to talk abt so we listened to her mp3 player . -____- reached there and my heart missed a beat . the mrt station was linkd to SP ! hw cool ryte ?!

then we got in and met this one actress in SURIA . his name was Zureen . i think he's tht cute guy who acted in K14 when he was still little . he looked diff in person though . lol . next stop , a cheerleading team . they keep repeating the same moves and stunts again & again until we got bored . -____- then we filled up this one SPbuddy thingy . we hafta write a short message about our BFF . kinda lame bt still , i do it though . im a lame too ? hahah !

the hose was this hothotheat guy . i think u wud've knwn him . he's Randell . idk if thts the correct spelling bt who cares . hahah ! and THIS is hym !!!

can recognise hym nw ? hahah ! hot ryte ?! and i get to snap a pic with hym ! bt nt using my cam .. the one who took our pic was this one photographer from Sp itself .. so , we'll hafta wait till they pass it to me then .. :( and i got an autograph form him too !!

bt anw , mass comm was FUN laa !!! the first activity , i became a radio DJ ! me n Zully are partners and we recorded together . gerek giler !! we even get a burned cd of our recorded voice ! [:

next , is the TV production . i get to become the diretor . fun bt stressful at the same tyme cos u hafta control the whole show . but a GREAT experience indeed ! after tht , is the advertising section . nt much tht we did in tht section .

then performance by this cute guy . many of u wud've knwn him . he's SHEIK HAIKEL !! one big , cutecutestuff guy !! and THIS is hym !! and followed by some other hiphop performances ..

waited for mama to fetch me and off to ayer rajah foodplace . ate rojak india there and then went home . talked to baby for awhile , then off to bed . very tired yknw ! pheww !

i can't help the way i feel.

2009-06-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Dearest Diary,
today's my O level MT paper . some parts were sucky . i dun think i'll be getting an A1 . i think i'll be taking the second one . called adeq just nw and she too agreed tht the paper was quite tough . bt wth , whts done is done ryte ? no use blabberring abt it anw ..

i went thru the Kamus Dewan just nw and saw this word called CINABENG . it means celaka or sial . idk hw to translate to eng laa . hahah ! okay random . (:

Boyfriend called just nw . like FINALLY , after spending the whole day soccer-ing at kallang till late nyte ytd. and today, he lied to his mom saying tht he's working . wth . plus , wht makes me more tensionized was he didn't charged his hp and nw , his batt is empty ! which also means , i can't contact him today . even if i did , he wud be borrowing his wandi's hp . wth siak . damn fcuk up shiolls . urghh !!

& nw , nobody's home . HOME ALONE .
wht a mundane life ryte ? i knw i knw . -__________-

sweetest suprise

2009-05-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
yeah yeah , i knw it's been decades since i updated u . been busy with almost everything . and yeah , thnks to the chicks who keep bugging to me update this rusty-dusty blog of mine . im just nt good in words , u see . so don't blame me for the so-called quite "formal" way of my writings .

so , life's been such a bore . holidays has started but NOT for me . im having structured remedials for the whole of the 1st week . time flies so fast it's june ald . zip-zap-zoop , comes july and it's prelims . fast ryte ? bt i want it to be fasteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerr !!like i hope tmw's the end of Os ..? haha . wht a lame ryte ? i knw . -__-

so , i went down to Jurong just nw to meet boyfriend . waited for him for so long siak . he said he had a suprise for me . and when he came , he brought along with him two black helmets . i was like dunno-wht-to-say . so i asked whose helmets are those , and he said they belong to wandi's sister . so i asked again , wht on earth is he doing with tht ? his reply was tht we are gonna give bck the helmets to her bck at the carpark . and so , i knw the suprise wasn't abt motor . ):

when we reached the carpark , we went to the 3rd level . i was still searching for the girl whose helmets belongs to . at last , we stopped in front of a black, SPARK motorcyle . and i was like , why are we stopping here ? and he finally said tht the motor belong to him . THAT was the suprise . bt the helmets still belongs to wandi's sister though . -_- i was like WHAAAAAAAAAATT ????!!!!!!!!!!!! i still didn't believe him until ............. he took out the keys , turn it , and started the engine . and then he turned and said to me "now u believe , my dear ?" an smiled . my reaction was stoned . i didn't knw wht to do or say . and he thought tht i didn't like it . bt i told him laa i was in a DILEMMA ! TRAUMA ! then he took me for a ride to causeway point and we watched MONSTERS VS ALIENS . even ryte then , i was still speechless .

after everything, he sent me home and before he went off , i took his helmet out , gave him a kiss on the cheeks , and said "thnks for everything and congrats syg . i love you ." and smiled . then he said "like FINALLY u say something . pheww ! " he went off and i watched him go until he's outta sight .

thnks for the suprise today , darling . i really dunno wht to do or say . im really proud u haf ur dream bike . just be careful on the road k ? bcos i only have one boyfriend . lol . (((:

ps: we shud've taken a pic of us & the motor today ! aww .. ): nvm , nxt tyme make sure we do ! [:

i ♥ you .

oh time, will you freeze please ?

2009-05-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i would to wish anyone celebrating Vesak day today a wonderous HAPPY VESAK DAY !

today's monday n im suppose to go for malay dance practice . but i can't bcos mama n papa aren't going for class today ! wth . i didn't get to go for another practice , again . -_____- i feel so guilty when i keep on appearing n disappearing . haiz ..

see tht pic ? thts Along . she's my bestie in the group . well actually , everyone is everybody's bestie in the group . but today , she makes me feel so loved. (:

i told her im sorry abt this yr's sucky attendance of mine bcos of restrain bcos of Os . but she only replied was " we don't forget our dancers easily . we will always be waiting for you . " see hw sweet my dancers are ?!! tht makes me feel more guilty , infact . ohmehgawd , i love my dancers soooo much n i miss performing ! pls let the time fast forward till the end of Os pls ! i can't waaaaait for FREEDOM !!

& im missing boyfriend like crazy now . haiz .. ))):

i want you tonight.

2009-05-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
i have an announcement to make . i have uploaded my photoshoot pictures !! went to scan those pics at the shop nearby with boyfriend just nw . and boyfriend tompang to repair his hp too . lol . then girlfriend came to my house and had dinner here . long time since i met her . miss her lots y'knw ! okay i shall stop blabberring for now . here comes the pictures ... !!

okay thts all . i LOVE the photos lah okay ! i still haf somemore vouchers . any who wants it , pls tag or email or whtever it is as long as u cn get thru me . (((:

what could be worst ?

2009-05-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
Im feeling so down and dissappointed right now . i wanna be like anyone else , free to go wherever they want for a REASON . i hate being OVERprotected . it feels like im being ditched to another world called " boredom " . everyone's enjoying their life , and so is boyfriend . i knw im gonna haf my bitchy Os this year . but tht doesn't mean that i can't enjoy wht i love right ? it's just nt fair! i too , like everyone else , wanna have time doing things i love . instead of always mugging as if im gonna get full marks for Os! im getting sick of life each day past by . and i mean S-I-C-K !!

what could be worst than not having boyfriend after Os , when tht will be the time tht i can spend the hell out of me with him ? we're not gonna get to celebrate my birthday , 2nd year anniversary and so much more . yes , boyfriend is going to NS this 10th July . it's like 2 months from now . i don't knw wht else to do or say other than imagining hws life gonna be like when he's nt around . ohmehgawd , i can't bear nt listening to his voice or even nt knwing hws he's doing over there . im gonna miss him absofuckinglutely much !!

okay lets cut that topic cos it makes me wanna kill myself right now and i mean NOW !

tomorrow is chemistry test on cations and anions . i've got everything in my head already . hopefully i'll do well this time cos i've always been weak in chemistry . lol xD

but why do i still miss you?

2009-05-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

Dearest diary,
at last, i can rest and haf a peace of mind now. i've been rushing on coswork and recipes ytd bcos today's my practical! really rushing sia. i spent the whole day ytd and today morning justto finish everything up and guess wht? i haf to buy my own ingredients, bcos i didn't hand up my food order list! wth. but anyways, it was all worth it though. everything went smoothly for my pract today, just a lil rushing here and there. bt besides tht, it was all alryte. [:

On the brighter note for the day, i get to meet boyfriend after weeks and weeks of nt meeting. ohmehgawd, i miss him so much! i hugged him so tightly the whole day, bt the misses just won't go away.. ):

Plus, i got my makeover photoshoot pictures today!! went dwn to Bugis with boyfriend to get the pictures. boyfriend was shocked. he saed he liked all of them! [: bt too bad, it was printed. its nt on cd. which means, i still hafta fork out money to scan and put it in a cd . i promise i'll upload laa okay? (:

Next, boyfriend wanted to go to ILUMA, in which is a new shopping centre beside Bugis street. it was brand new, so everything seems quiet empty, not many pple. boyfriend looked so happy. he even reminded me tht I am the one who go there with him on his first time! yay! (break record laa kirekn.. xD)

After tawaf-ing arnd the ILUMA, we took the bus home. i accompanied him to the bustop near my house though, since he spared his time for me today rather than playing stupid Dota. -_-

mama saed she wanna brings us out to CWP to mamam and jln2 sekejap. its so rare that she did this. okay challo belos! im gg to CWP nw! and yes, i love you. *smile showing teeth*

RANDOMNESS

2009-04-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
i texted boyfriend after my test and suprisingly, it turns out to be a rap msg. hahah!

me: Hello belo u look so yellow like a banana in a jello. ok challo!
boyfriend: Hello ugly, u look so preety! wht happen to u baby, y are u so happy? (: cam? fight pe?
me: haha! kk, here's mine.. y bby can't i be happy or wud fucking do the talking?!
(no reply from him yet)
me: bby ure so fine i want u mine girls wants u they got in line bt too bd they gotta pay fines. bitches, nice try this ain't no lie cos mr niceguy is MY mr right! wtf are u girls pushing ur luck? pay me a hundred buck bt u still can't get him stuck! oh u bitches just suck the dicky duck n tht so yucks!
boyfriend: wow! i nvr knew u could rap.. (:

ohmehgod, im ohh-so-random. (:

PancaSriKandi

2009-04-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
I soooo miss PancaSriKandi! i miss those night practices where i get to meet my girls and haf the whole 2 hours dancing and laughing and cracking lame jokes. i miss those makeups and the fake lashes and the touching up every min and the hairdo and the costume and the songs. easy said, i just miss them!!

well, as y'knw, this yr's my 'O's. mama and papa don't lemme go for malay dance anymore until i complete my 'O's. mati2 want me to study like hell! wth ryte? im so fcuking stress sia. and dancing will distress me. can't i just go at least for leisure? i just can't stand it lah. anyway, dancing is my passion. why can't they just undrstnd?! and so, every thurs night, when they are off to the mosque for idk-wht-they're-there-for, i will go to wlds cc and join them.

tell me nw, am i in the wrong to go?
i too wanna haf fun y'knw! ):

1yr5mths Anniversary Video

2009-04-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
I've made a video for our belated 1yr5mths. i thought i didn't save it bt i found it when i was browsing through my documents. so yeah, idk tht im actually having a copy of it! wee~!
Enjoy the video yeah! it's hard works yknw! xD

sweet or wht ryte?! (okay i so tak tau malu! xD)

tmw's my eng & mly prelim paper. gotta go memorise the formats!
and i suck at peribahasa i tell you.
toodles~!

Photoshoot

2009-04-25T23:02:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
im sorry i can't update you often. im so busy with school and stuffs. imy alot y'knw! bla bla bla... *talks to diary like a crazy kid*

today's saturday, and i still hafta wake up in the morning. wth. send papa to work aft which, mama wanna drive the car. we drop papa off at his workplace and then mama drive us to Macdonalds. when we reach the carpark, mama was scared to park the car. [tht part she haven't pass yet laa.. lol xD] then she asked one of this man to help her park. the man open the door and park for her. haiyoo! ape daa mama! bt nt to be blamed, she a VERY careful driver, i must say. nonono. TOO careful, infact. hahah!

we had hotcakes and mama ordered 7 hashbr0wns.. melampau! then she ordered fusion berries cheesecake from MacCafe. whoa she really gobbled everything up man! wht a mother. LOL xD

Aftertht, we went home. did some housework before lil' sis and me go to cwp to collect mama's Chwee Kueh and yam cake. took the bus and off to cwp we go!

we took the Chwee Kueh and yam cake and went to top up our ez-link cards. mama blanje me $5 top up! yay! [: mama called and said she'll be fetching us in another 15 mins. thts quite long yknw! so we sat outside METRO's small exit. sat there like a beggar sia. we sing2, clap2 all. wth ryte?! pple were looking at us bt we didn't give a fcuking damn laa kan.. hahah! lucky nobody campak money at us. lol.

mama came and fetch us. went to Granny Long's ferst to antar the Chwee Kuehs.. and then to Addah's to send the yam cake.. aft tht, went to Aunt's cos got dunno-wht function laa. i just go only.. haha!

reach there and help out. ate there. then we cuzzins played the "twisters" game. everybody was so entangled. haha! xcept me cos i took the sides. pdn muke krng! muahahaha!! *evil laugh* the thing i hate most was when they asked me where's tht bitch. so fcuking irritating sia. like WHERE THE HELL DO I KNW WHERE SHE IS RYTE?! wtf.

time to go home and yes, comp again. LOL. chat, music-ed, blogged. and happen to drop by Addah's blog. and some of my photoshoots photos were there! i like laa!! there they are!! *points downwards*

k im soooooooooo loving it! wait till boyfriend gets to see it.. ;D
toodles~!

Happy 1yr5mths Anni!!!

2009-04-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

first and foremost, i would like to wish boyfriend and me..
HAPPY 1YR 5MTHS ANNIVERSARY!!!

Anniversary msg for him:
May we last till eternity aites? whtever ur past is, just take tht as a lesson so tht u won't repeat them again k? bt whtever it is, even w/o me tellg u, u shud knw who loves u most ryte? u'll always be in my heart n noone cn replace u.. i swear. trust me. even if u were to leave me one day, in my heart, i'll nvr let u go. for u were my lover, my bestest friend n listener.. & forever and always u will be.. i love you, syg.. i really, really do. Happy 1yr5mths, bby..

im soooo loving today. i love everything today. i love YOU too! nyeahaha!

went to Victoria theatre to see Fira perform. it was a disabled performing show. bt my sis is nt disabled okay! she's just performing jee.. it was fun indeed! bt some parts almost made me cry. ))): and wht made me wanna cry most is tht, I FORGOT TO BRING MY CAMERA!! wth ryte?!

boyfriend's working today. which means, i can't talk to him for long. bt nvm, im glad we make it up ytd. lucky siaa. [:

and im sleepy ald. im gonna sleep nw.
nytenyte lovely people!!
love ya'll! [:

Happy advanced 1yr5mths!!!

2009-04-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

mom woke me up in the morning and i was lyke saying "ape maaa.... niari kan saturday! org nak tdo pon tk senang laa.." then she said, tchr sms-ed her saying there's Flag Day today. wth! *hits forehad* hw dumb cn i be ryte? kesian mama pagi2 dah kene pekik by me.. padahal i was the one wh forgot there's flag day today..

next, boyfriend called. he asked hw was the plan gonna be today. and i was lyke "wht plan?" then he remind me that we were suppose to go out today to celebrate our 1yr5mths anniversary in advanced. it shud be tmw by ryte, bt tmw's im gg out to see fira perform @ Victoria theatre. so replaced by today lorr.. [:

Quickly bathe and off to MSL mrt station. took my tin and collected donations since boyfriend will only come at 12++.. stand at the escalator and many people donated. no need to ask sia, they very-the-automatic. cool or wht kan?! hahah. tactic laa babe! [okay aku mcm phm ;D]

boyfriend came and i asked Wei Siong to help me return the tin later as i was rushing. change and make-up at toilet. boyfriend said i look beautiful.. aww... :D took the train and off to Suntec to watch "House"!!
After that, ate KFC. then, went to Watson to look at PROACTIV product. i sooooo NEED to get tht lah! bt it's $91.90! haiyoo.. must wait until i get the money when i work aft Os lah nmpknye.. ))):

we were late. again. so boyfriend blanje me take taxi, and i was like changing back to school clothes in the taxi. hw stupid ryte? nie laa bdk2 maseh skola laa kan.. maseh in curfew laa kan.. HAHA! tht y i can;t wait to finish Os! [:

then boyfriend text me "oh man.. u look damn preety in that dress. tht's the preetiest so far.. i love it! (: then me? in my new shirt and shoes? hehe.." HAHA! boyfriend looked hot just nw. really. im fcuking serious. bt he's all BLUE, in which, is his fav color.. gaahhs! xD

as usual, we talked till nyte, cos at 12am later, its officially our 1YR5MTHS ANNIVERSARY!!
ohh i can't waaaaaaaaaaaitt!!! *jumps up & dwn*

Forced to.

2009-04-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

yeah.. as u all guess..
IM FORCED TO POST TOO!
but its ok. its been a long time since i saw, enter, tag and even POST!
so... hmmm
i miss this blog so much. the last time i saw this blog it was
soooo kental.. haha. sori baby. but now its so preety alr! :)

KhAiRiN

2009-04-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
it was 6am in the morning and i cud ald hear someone shouting my name. lyke hello?! today's a sat larh deyy!! it was my lil' sis. she was like.. "kak fadaa!! bangun cepaaat! niari kan Fira nak kene gi serangoon for running!!" then Papa send us there by car. assemble at her school's foyer. then the bus come, we took the bus. im in a hibernation mode and the children all so noisy laa! grrr!

when i reached there, i feel like crying laa! so many 'special' people there. so sad seh. my heart was soo sayu & pilu looking at their condition.

the day started off with the march-past ceremony. all the participating schools have to march past the crowds and wave or somethg liddat lorr.

Then the 50m race starts. and Fira was involved larr seyy! so have some sis-to-sis motivatn plan and there she goes! and i was down there cheering her like one mad idiot. -____-

Thanks to me being an idiot dwn there for awhile, li' sis was waaaayy infront of the other kids! and yes, she won champion! [:

After that, lil' sis and her bestie, Syikin, camwhore like hell. and mee too! gaahhs! :D

That was all for the day.
& ohh, congrats lil' sis!! :D

Time for a change.

2009-03-31T23:40:00.000-07:00

Picture: I just found this pic in the web. some people say i look like "AngMoh" in this pic. hahah!
Dear diary,
i can't sleep last night. im just so bothered. i don't feel like going to school today. just feel so sucky today. and thinking of wht cud be worst tht can happen to me and boyfriend today. its gonna be a bad day, i tell myself.

and i was somehw wrong. i texted him from 7am to 1.38pm today, bt he didn't reply. then i smsed him "idk wht ure trying to show. but if ure trying to avoid me, tell me so. then at least i knw n won't disturb you." whoa aft tht he cn reply. y tht msg? all the unmpteen msges before he can't reply? wth.

i was nt feeling tht well in school, and so i decided nt to go for the maths mock test. bt i can't get an mc sia, hw? wtv laa. went to Yusof's house and lepaaaaaak n play with Masai (it's a cat btw). don't get me wrong, Yusof is just my neighbour laa okay. -__-

argued with boyfriend about everything. blaa blaa blaa. i gave in again. "when he's fire, i must become water" rmbr? and bcos of tht, eveything was fine aft tht. we planned to start afresh. again. -__- i hope things are jus gonna be wayy better from nw on. really.

okay, my fone's ringing.
boyfriend is calling me ald.
stay tune! love ya'll! [:

happy birthday boyfriendKU!!

2009-03-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
first and foremost, i would like to wish
HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY BOYFRIEND!!!
and as usual, im the first to wish him. so, BOO to the ones who wished him aft me. lol xD

bad news: his present is nt ready luhh! spent till 4 in the morning n still nt done. plus, i haven't tell papa abt celebrating his bdae tmw. wtf.

things were okay at first. but when i took him for a walk to a loooooong path to cwp, he was angry. since then, it has been a disaster. he said he was okay, bt by the look of his face, i knw he's nt.

then i brought him to POPULAR. showed him the book i bought for him, bt he didn't knw it was his present laa. he said "eww! i haf a lot at hm ald!" wth ryte? and wht cn be worst than ending up a birthday celebration by giving each other stupid faces at the end of the day? no more kiss and hugs. no more wishes. simply NOTHING.

since then, i wasn't in the mood to do anything or even talked to anyone. im just so fucked up and extremely frustrated tht i could have killed myself with drugs and pills. i never thought his bdae will end, or even be this way.

im sorry i didn't do much for ur bdae syg.. it's just tht, i thought that being with you on ur birthday will be the greatest gift for the day. but instead, im just a disaster. what a fucker i am.

and we end off the day with curses. wht a girlfriend i am. sigh. ):

brother's drawing [:

2009-03-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
today's kinda boring. boyfriend's been quite busy to entertain my crapness. papa's working. girlfriend slept for the whole day, i guess. mama has been lazing about her bed most of the time. lil' bro with his tv. lil' sis teach her imaginary 'students'. quite scary though. haha!

And so, since i had nth better to do, i taught brother how to edit pichas. and he really decorated his pic until the whole pic is covered with wtv shit and there, only his face can be seen. the rest are all text and drawings. lol. and yes, tht pic is wht he editted so "beautifully". hw creative. lol. xD and if u can't see the text, it's written 'nice!' and 'freezean'. and 'freezean' is lil' bro's nickname. hw cute ryte? lol.

so much of the fun seeing him edit, it's time to mugmugmug. boriiiiinnggg. -______-

having a boring day, mama decided we shud go to grandma's. and guess wht?! mama's driving us there today! and she's a real careful driver, i tell you. she drove quite stiffly at the beginning, but it was all okay overall aft tht, except tht she langgar curb at the narrow carpark. lol. xD

nw i can't wait to turn 18 when i can take driving license!! bt too bad, im nt even 17 nw! lol.

okay. i seriously dunno wht to write nw.
boyfriend's nt calling yet. neither is girlfriend. where could they be nw?
sampai hati they leave me alone. ):

ah nvm! while waiting, i shall eat chocolates tht i craved for for the last 2 weeks!
yummmmmmmmyyy!!!
bye kawans!! *runs to kitchen*

A day with Hiryanty

2009-03-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,
i went to cwp just nw to meet Hiryanty to pass her the makeover vouchers. and i still haf a lot more! anybody want? kol/text/tag me okay? [:

oh i haven't introduced Hiryanty, did i? okay. so here it goes.. Hiryanty is my long-lost twin sister. hahah. we're both of the same height, in which im nt gonna tell u whts our height! *stick out tongue* our friendship is 10 years old. we're both grown up nw. (cheyy!) she's one cute stuff u wanna haf bt too bad, u can't. boohoo! okay crap. -___-

out of boredom, we camwhore. stupid/silly/funny/serious/lame/boring faces. hahah! we're like "whts next?! whts next?!" lol. so here are the pichas we took just nw. tralala~

And lastly, the picha for the day...

okayy! my fone's ringing. boyfriend's calling.
stay tune yeah for more updates yeah!
love ya'll! [:

Fira perform @ JP

2009-03-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

Picture: Thts's lil' sis performing her hiphop dance at Jurong Point. [:
Dear diary,
i knw it's been a loooong time since i last updated this blog. i've been waaaayy too busy with life and love ryte now. yes, he's back! guess my patience is paid off. [: and blogskin changed since many people commented the previous one has too many navigations. wht a lame ryte? -_-

So, here are updates of the recent happenings:
1 YR 4 MTHS ANNIVERSARY!!! [190309]
MAKEOVER AT GRANDEUR FAI!!! [250309]
LIL' SIS PERFORM HIPHOP DANCE @ JURONG POINT!!! [210309]

and lastly, boyfriend's grandma passed away ytd...

so many things happen. esp with tht 'insanified noob'! wht a COWARD sia. wanna fight thru sms. kental or wht?!!

oh well, life's been good so far. bt ytd was a bad day, only at the start. hahah! boyfriend has change for the better. *ilyvvvvvvvvmmm!!* the only thing left is something heart-wrenching called "curfew". worst still, im nt gg for mly dance till bitchy 'O's is over. i miss my dancers. really. and guess wht, my pp8 low AGAIN, when i just topped up a week ago. see hw boros i am?!

im sooooo missing boyfriend ryte nw. he's sleeping nw. holidays laa kann. quite hard to contact him cos his pp8 is also low. -_____- wth ryte? i wanna top up, he don't let me. he said later a week after, it will confirm finish. wth sia. okay wtv.. lol

Boyfriend has quit smoking!! im soooo proud of him. bt when he gets withdrawal symptoms sometimes, i felt a bit guilty for nt letting him smoke.. bt thts the best ryte? rather than cutting dwn on his ''lifelines''.. lol.

GOOD NEWS!!
MAMA PASSED HER DRIVING PRACTICAL TEST TODAY!!
Alhamdulillah. (((:

okay im going out to meet Hiryanty now. will update again tonyte.
toodles! [:

Because i still do.

2009-03-06T21:18:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
I've told him everything . i've had had my say . i feel so relieved . really . i just hope he understands everything now . but im still worried . i myself don't knw wht im worried about . i didn't meant to hurt him . i've gotta tell him the truth . and last nyte was the day ...

Despite everything that happened last nyte , im still nt sure if he's coming back . but all i knw, i'll always be waiting . he said he's gonna tell me everything tmw , when we're gonna bring lil' sis out for her birthday . i just hope he'll bring me good news . sigh .

i wonder what did i do or say tht make him fall in love with me on 191107 . i wanna be tht kinda girl he fell deeply in love with the last time . and tht girl was me .

For a start , i sms-ed him today telling him my whereabouts , just lyke what i used to . he must be worried sick knwing im alone at home and him nt knwing my whereabouts ryte ? but he didn't reply to my first msg ... maybe his pp8 low ? or maybe he's busy dota-ing ? or did i start off t early calling him 'sayaang' ? idk . but all i knw , i've gotta go slow and give him some time to suit himself again like what we used to be . i'll just hafta be patient . i , too , don't wanna rush into things . i knw it's gonna take a lot , and i mean A LOT of time . nt only himself , but myself too .

a day more to lil' sis birthday ... and a day more to judgement day ..
all i can do now is just pray and hope everythings gonna fall into place , just like it used to be ..

So , will you make a happy girl again ?

You're in my heart, just like a tattoo.

2009-03-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
nothing much happen today , and there's nth much i have to say other than , i miss Muhammad Khairin Bin Hamzah so much .

and so , i was surfing the net just now , and even now ( lol ! ) , i came across this quote from Photobucket . it was quite motivational and adds up a bonus point to my hopes chart !

With this , i hope i can be stronger in facing this 'relationship' obstacles and challenges . really .

tomorrow's another day.
a good better day , perhaps ?
i hope so . ;D

But still, you'll always be my baby.

2009-03-04T23:53:00.001-08:00

Dear diary,
it's been just 2 days since we last contacted each other and im missing him so badly. he didn't call me , didn't text me , and was not even online . i wonder if he blocked , or even deleted me off his msn contact list . but oh well , i've expected this to happen anyway . still , i wonder if he's missing or thinking about me . i bet he's enjoying or lepak-ing with his friends more often ryte now . he must be enjoying the hell out of his life without me nw . clubbing maybe ? or out with another girl ? i really don't knw . and im too afraid to find out too . but well , wht i've learnt from being with him is, expect the unexpected . so yeah , i won't be suprised if im replaced by other girls , but heartbroken & dissapointed , is definitely a yes . but i believe he's nt gonna do tht . he loves me , ryte ? i knw i knw . i just knw it . but somehw if he's gonna prove me wrong , then *some text missing*

okay , let's change the subject aites ? i knw u readers are bored always reading the same old thing . but this is where i let out all my heart and soul out . so yeah .

it's 3 more days to lil' sis birthday . i was planning to bring her out today to buy her a dress , but unfortunately , she's sick and wasn't able to go out . sigh . but nvm , will bring her out on sat itself then . so , where shall i bring her huh ? i wanna go somewhere further with her since it's been a looooongg time since i brought her out to somewhere far . bugis maybe ? but if we were to go there , i wud be buying my own clothes instead ! lol . okay , crap .

well , thts all for today lovely people .
gdnight. ;D

we're empty.

2009-03-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

[Picture: tht was how close we were.. ):]
Dear diary,
it's raning nw . but why don't he miss me anymore ? but most of all , y is he isn't here ?

we had our last talk at nyte . nothing has changed . i kept asking him about clubbing . hw dumb can he be to ask me " are you worried or wht ? " like DUH ? how could i not be worried when my own 'boyfriend' wanna go out and haf fun with other girls ? i mean , its common sense tht i wud be worried ryte ? pfft.
-_________-

he told me he still cared . and the next moment , he's not gonna care anymore . how much complicated does he want me to be ? if he REALLY cares , then nth tht i wud do wud stop him from caring for me , ryte ? and so , actually idk wth he's trying to do .

just yesterday , i thought it was gonna be easy to let go and move on . but i still can't deny , it's so hard living my life without him . idk how else i am suppose to put it in a way tht he wud understand . don't he miss all our memories ? the good and the bad times ? don't he miss me ? don't he miss US ? y is it so easy for him to let go ?

he said he can't give me a good future . so what ? do i care? doesn't he knw HE is my future ? doesn't he realise ? can't he just understand that i miss him SO BADLY now and i wanna be him at THIS MOMENT itself ? does he knws i love him more than anything else ? i wudn't trade him for anything or anyone . he's my precious . i love him a lotlotlotlotlotlotlotlot!! but y must everything come to an end so fast ? whyyy ?? haven't i gave enough ?

To baby: im sorry if i hurt you so much . but im just afraid that u wudn't come back .. im just so scared .. don't you miss us , sayaaang ? don't you love me anymore ? i just wanna be the ferst, the last, and the only girl u love . i dun wanna lose u to other girls . i knw im not tht beautiful or intelligent compared to other girls . i knw u deserve someone better than me . but like wht i've told you , " even if you're not coming back , i'll still wait for you . "

i love you very much , dear.. i swear i really do .
i miss you.

But i'll still leave my heart for you.

2009-02-28T23:31:00.000-08:00

(warning! long post ahead..!)
Dear diary ,
okay i knw it's been quite a long time since i updated this kinda 'dead' blog of mine . i've been quite busy with family , studies , friendships , and my so-called ' relationship ' . well , so far life has been okay lahs for a heartbroken girl like me . just some holes and traps , here and there . my life's such a bitch . and i hate it . yes , i hate this life , especially the person living it . it's me of course , duh ?

now , im absofuckinglutely sick . tired . confused . like for real . i've tried my best already . i've done whtever i could . but , it was all unworthy. or maybe , i put too high hopes on him ? i don't knw .

people kept asking me to stop clinging hopes on him . yet , i find it kinda true . coz everytime i get my hopes high , i'll get a tight slapback when it falls . but how could i? but really , sometimes i feel like moving on and act as if he's never been in my life before. seriously. or maybe , i really should move on . i'll move on with everything , but except that i just leave my heart for him in case he's really coming back , can? well , a try doesn't kill ryte ? well , i've always been pessimistic . maybe its time to look on the bright side of life eh .

as for now, i wanna studystudystudy . pass my O's and then , NP here i comeeeee !! hmm , i've thought about the course i wanna take . since i wanna be in something that's media-cally active , i've decided to take MASS COMMUNICATION . but eng must be from 1-3 !!! nvm , must be confident ryte ? haha !

after O's , i wanna work in something that requires me to go home in the next morning or something . like gerek or wht ryte ?! PLUS , i can join back my malay dance girls for tons and tons of performances , even overseas ! i've signed the contract already btw ! PLUS , i wanna doll myself up . go for facial, SPA PERM , and anything to groom myself so tht i'll look on my best , BUT STILL , dyeing my hair is a BIG NO ! and then im gonna come home lateeee at nyte , lepak everyday !! whoa , i really cannot imagine life after O's . i'll make sure nobody , and i mean NOBODY , can stop me from doing so . but of course , i still have my limits though . duh ?

after getting my results , im gonna go to NP for the next stage of life . new , weird , preety , handsome , ugly , or any sort of people im gonna meet . im gonna make sure im gonna wear high-end fashion clothes to school . really . and i just hope i won't meet lame and immatured people like the ones in my current sucky class 5S1 nw . -__________-

reached 18 , im gonna take driving license . gotta do wht i gotta do. alone or with someone special , anything will do laa . drive girls' night out to clubbing or something with my poly girlfriends ? or even boy friends ? omgomgomg i can't waaaaaiitt !!

so far , thts the plan i planned and i'll stick with tht . all i knw , im gonna enjoy life to the core . im not gonna entertain any kind of shits like 'relationships' or so-called 'love' . it sucks y'knw . really .

so yeah , wish me luck for the upcoming years yeah . all i knw is , im gonna haf a great life . i'll make sure i do. and NOBODY can do anything to change my mind , including you , Khairin .

For all those times you stood by me

2009-02-19T23:46:00.000-08:00

We were just friends at the start,

Always having fun, never apart
Then one day, something sparked
The next thing I knew, you had my heart.

The days flew by,
I lost track of time
Everytime I was with you,
I was on cloud nine.

Then one day, you asked me to be your girlfriend
I exclaimed, yes! and prayed we'd last until the very end.
No one could look into my eyes and say I wasn't happy,
Happy that I was with you, and you were with me.

With me in your arms, you told me you loved me,
Then gently kissed my forehead and gave me a squeeze.
I was convinced you were the one for me,
Apart from you, I would never be.

Just when I thought all was well,
Was when you began to put me through hell.
You said, we should just be friends
That's when I knew it was the end.

I looked into your eyes, trying to find out why,
It was all I could do, not to begin to cry.
Where I once saw love, I saw nothing,
I couldn't believe you no longer felt something.

I lay in bed, counting my tears,
Each representing what I'd hoped would be years.
Years of happiness, for us to be together,
A long-lived life, forever and ever.

But in my heart, I know this will never be,
For in yours, no longer is there a place for me.
I gave you my all; I gave you my heart,
Little did I know that you'd tear it apart.

Everyday I place a smile on my face,
As for tears, there is not a trace.
You ripped me apart, but yet it's true,
Forever and always, I'll still love you.

Happy 1 year 3 months baby..
i love you..

you loved me, once upon a time.

2009-02-06T23:18:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
it's 11.50 nw and my eyes just wudn't wanna close. i need someone to talk to. if only he was still here, i would have a shoulder to run to and cry on now. but unfortunately, he's nt. :(

Its been a day i didn't contact him. but well, i can't probably blame him cos it was MY decision nt to contact each other. i just hope he understands wht im doing this for. i dun want him to misunderstood the whole thing and think tht i wanna avoid him. NO. but somehw, it's been just a day and i've been insanely desperate for his voice already. but no, i can't, even hw much i craved for him. i hafta start forcing myself already. this itchy eyes and hands of mine has been eyeing on the fone the whole day!

however, thinking abt the many, many things tht we've gone through, in both happy and sad times in just 1 yr 2 mths makes me miss him even more. plus, valentines and our 1 yr 3rd mths anniversary is coming soon. the question now is...

Will he be back in time?

wake me up when it's over.

2009-02-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
idk hw or wht im feeling ryte nw. it's so confusing. idk wht else i shud say or do. every memories abt us just kept on haunting my mind. sometimes i wished i had nvr known or met him, turn back time and just be friends with him. sometimes i feel like i've wasted 1 yr of my life being with him . sometimes i feel like blaming myself for everything tht has happened. sometimes i feel tht i've made the biggest mistake of my life for loving him too much.

My hopes are getting thinner day by day. im almost out of hope already. idk why he can see and pitied other people's sorrow but nt mine? oh well, wht does he cares abt my sorrow anyway when they are caused by him?!

As for now, im thinking abt contacting him less often until the day he comes bck. i've realised wht a fool i was waiting for something tht i knw will come only in few months or years time?.. i love him more than anything else. i loved him too much tht i can't even believe tht we are actually nt together now. i've realised tht the more i love him, the more i expect him to be bck fast, the more he gets further away.

so maybe, i too shud take time off from him. i shud let him be whtever he wants to be. even when he says he's sad, i noe he's nt. i can see tht he's like enjoying this breakup for a simple reason, he got his freedom. well, tht was wht he wanted ryte? But i just hope one day he will realise hw important i am to him.

But unfortunately, tht will be the day when i dun believe in love anymore. im sorry.

am i loving you too much?

2009-01-30T23:39:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
things are starting to show up and getting better. im starting to feel as if i had the old him back. the undescribable one. okay tht says it all about my blog url ryte? lol.

But on another note, i dun really feel comfortable and safe nt having him officially mine, despite the fact tht we both noe we're gonna be bck together again. eventhough things are better nw, im just afraid tht history repeats itself. i mean, enuf of 2 timeouts. i dun wanna haf another okay. i dun wanna haf all these "wht if" thought whenever i think of him. i wanna think of him & smile instead of filling myself with sorrows & regrets.

Dear lover, am i loving you too much?

Confused.

2009-01-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
im more confused than ever now. i met him today, and everything went so smoothly! i mean, we're supposed to be in a 'timeout' and we acted as if we were meant for each other. he's so sweet today. he's giving me hope tht we are gonna be together again one day. i mean, thts a good thing but, he makes me miss him more than ever now. his touch, his hugs and everything just nw just came gushing into my mind again. somehow, i wish it was for real. :/ well, at least we dun hafta be uncomfortable noeing tht we're on 'timeout' when we're actually meant for each other, ryte? i just dun like tht uncomfortable feeling of his. so suck. treating me as if im a stranger.

Esp tht part when we were in the bus, tht was totally the person i used to noe. im missing the old him. so loveable, romantic and protective. bt well, at least i got bck tht feeling for like.. 45 mins? oh well..

but somehw, i still dun understand my current status with him ryte nw. but no matter wht, even if he were to treat me like a temporary ex gf, i dun mind. nonono, i mind actually. hees (:
but one thing for sure, he will always be my babyboy, no matter wht.

well, tht shud explain my mood for today. CONFUSED.

to my loved ones

2009-01-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

To my loved ones..
thanks for being there for me at this kind of time; when i really need someone to understand me, someone to talk to, someone to be my listening ear.
thanks Sabby and Fred for standing up and being there for me.
thanks Abdah for bringing me out to peace up my mind and think thoroughly about the whole situation.
and not forgetting my true friend, Kirin, for being there for me in times of need and be my listening ear. thnks for the motivation and yeah, for making me realise tht i can go through this challenges.

i am nw stronger because of them.
you people are wht make me realise the importance of friends tht i once didn't believe in.

is he worth waiting for?

2009-01-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
idk wht to say. idk wht to do. im so heartbroken. nvr crossed my mind this wud ever happen to me.
oh time, freeze will you? gimme a break.
i cnnt stand this any longer. i just can't. it's too hurting for me. the more i think of it, the deeper the pain. bt tell me, hw cn i nt think of it?

evrything just happened so fast. u dun care abt me anymore. y so suddenly? WHY?!!
it's so easy for u to lemme go. i nvr thought u wud ever do tht.

NOT READY?! wht's tht shit all abt? 1 yr 2 mth of being together and still NT READY? thts pure LAMESHIT! wht an excuse. if u dun love me anymore, say so. dun hafta give me those stupid excuses!

boyy, y did u change so fast? who are u? u're nt the one i used to noe! y do u have to make things so difficult? n yes, i told you tht i will nt wait for you ANY LONGER. i told you to FUCK OFF.

but the truth is, im still waiting for ur return. i'll always do. i NEED you.
i love you.

inner shine

2009-01-04T22:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
i have to wake up freaking early today just to go to johor. -_- you see, my family goes to johor EVERY sunday and im getting bored of it. obviously nth fun happens thr except tht mama just bought me a new "beauty product" called Inner Shine. at first i thought it was something to cure but initially, they're just supplements. -_-

i went to baby's house today. nobody's thr. *shessh!* okay lemme lie to you, 'we didn't do anything'. haha! u shud noe larh heh.. took the taxi home coz i was late while baby went to rewang at his relative's wedding.

Sabby called me just nw.
Sabby: ehh fadaa. esok aku duduk ngan Hafiz taw..
Me: oh really? duduk ah. aku mmg duduk ngan Abdah..
Sabby: aku tau.. (sarcasticly)
Me: so whts you point nie actually?
Sabby: (trying to change the topic) ehh the timetable's up on the marsportal ald ehh?
Me: yeaps.
Sabby: hw u noe?
Me: aku dah tgk lahh.. (duhh?)
Sabby: okay larhs. tu je aku nk tanyer. bye.
-end of conversation-

whts with tht man? she thinks im gonna be jealous or wad? i dun mind nt sitting with her. it's just positions.. why make a big fuss about it ryte? wth.

what a moron.